Mrs Cameron’s Diary: Like, what is even the point of Europe?

‘Dave’s like, chateaux, Jane Birkin and skiing.’ Photograph: Reg Lancaster/Getty Images

Well Dave is like God, just how typical of John Major is John Major? I’m like, I said we should send him a Christmas card. Dave’s like, but I totally DID? I’m like, I knew we should have done a hugging one, he’s like, excuse me, literally what is the point of being prime minister if you cannot put it on your Christmas card?

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I mean, I said to Mummy, he is right, anyone can do hugging, Charles did hugging, even the Blairs did snuggling *cries actual tears* plus the rest of it IS literally slave labour, Dave was up at seven on Wednesday morning to think of key objectives & even in finals he was not up till eight, but Nancy is right, he could not risk being underprepared. Mummy’s like, well I hope he made progress on Greek loos, honestly those ghastly BINS, only someone as heroic as dear Paddy Leigh Fermor could have stuck it for so long – I’m like, totally, plus Dave is demanding a better deal on beach towels, which would be SUCH a victory if Merkel gives ground, so that is another almost non-negotiable &, totes non-swank, I came up with this brilliant objective, do you know a single person who knows what a kilo is, literally try buying fish in Portugal nightmare?

Mummy’s like, do not forget French bra sizes, literally double dutch, I’m like, well appaz it went brilliantly, but ever since Mr Major went on the radio Dave has been like, you know babes, if friend Rutlish is that keen I am not even sure I *want* to stay in Europe, remind me, what is even the point?

I’m like, well we heart Ibiza, he’s like, not as much as Cornwall. I’m like, fine, champagne? He’s like, plus chateaux, Jane Birkin and skiing, I’m like, bear in mind Switzerland, he’s like so scrub that last one. I’m like, against? He’s like, OK, existentialism, rabies, the French revolution, quiche, Napoleon, that awful wedding we went to in Bruges, and that is just France, plus it takes forever to get there, I’m like, so, basically, Brexit? He’s like, God IDK, maybe Ed, Craig, Camilla, Graeme, Kate, Ameet & Liz are right, I’m like, about what, he’s like, we just toss a coin :)))