Mrs Cameron’s Diary: God – He’s cool with Corbyn in a shellsuit

‘When Dave is thinking, every now & again he has to take a sip of cool beer to refresh his creative powers. Photograph: Getty Images

Well, it is so incredibly sad about the steelworkers, I said to Mummy. Dave is beyond gutted, because the final night is always karaoke #emosh? She’s like what a waste, I’m like, IKR, & literally until the second they made him fly home he was having new thoughts 24/7, because even in his dreams he has actual thoughts about eg the value of responsibility & hard work?

Nancy’s like, but Mother how can you TELL, Dad looks exactly the same when he is thinking as when he is sleeping, I’m like, the clue is when Daddy is thinking, every now & again he has to take a sip of cool beer to refresh his creative powers? Nancy’s like, but he even makes the same snoring noise, I’m like, that means he is in this profoundly relaxed state which can look almost indistinguishable from deep sleep, trust me, he was snoring like that when he came up with this genius thought about his mother? Nancy’s like, as in, I’m like, as in he is going to say she wants Mr Corbyn to wear a smelly old shell suit ALL THE TIME #genius #Lanzaroteinspo2016 Nancy’s like, but is it true?

I’m like, well sort of, look I’m sure Granny would like Mr Corbyn to feel comfortable, Nancy’s like, but if it is not true what would God say? I’m like, you know that epiphany Daddy had? She’s like, when he heard a voice at the buffet saying I recommend the paella, Mum, I still think it was the waiter? I’m like, no the time where God went, son, you totally nailed the Easter message, Daddy was like *prayerful voice* are You sure Lord there was no hint of risible insincerity – the Goveys have been characteristically ungenerous.

Then God went, dude, get real, these days every little helps, Nancy is like, omig- I mean, yay Lord! I’m like, well appaz they had another chat on easyJet? She’s omigo- I mean wow, I’m like & basically He is cool with whatever it takes to stop Corbyn #Britishvalues, Nancy’s like, but what about Port Talbot, assuming nationalisation is not an option? I’m like no worries, with God’s help Daddy will soon have it sorted, she’s like, but what will he DO, I’m like, God, IDK – pray?