So it is basically Saturday evening & Dave is cooking & I am in the sanctuary, tray relaxay, working on my feathered peacock, that moment when you KNOW you are taking inner peace to a whole new level, I mean when people say scented candles are a waste of time, I'm like, that just means you have not tried Joe Malone's hawthorn and salted caramel de-stresser, I totally would not get through weekends without it? Then there is this grunt so I open my eyes & this pair of giant crocs is like, literally, in my face? I'm like oh please don't apologise I am nearly done here, you can probably tell from the way I am standing on my head, anyway if you are the plumber the boiler is downstairs and no offence but FYI we usually take our shoes off in the house, unless you have some of those bag things?
And he just puts one of his crocs like actually ON my yoga mat and goes a tea love thanks, white, three sugars, can I use your toilet, pronto, before that smell makes me fucking chunder? I'm like WTF? and he goes word of advice Sabrina, enough with the lady-swearing, your core vote fucking hates it, and lose the scented fucking candles, in private polling 92% of Australians linked them with poofters and the other 8% were muslims?
So I am almost at the panic button when Dave comes in going babes, meet the wizard of Oz, sorry to keep you Lynton, critical moment with the pot au feu. And Mr Cobber goes word of advice mate, Lynton will say this once and once only, forget the pot au fucking feu, in focus groups 86% of white golfers connected foreign food with Nazi Germany, you may as well start shagging Angela fucking Merkel no offence Sabrina, now where is my time-sheet, that will be £12,050 for the call-out plus £19,500 for every 15 minutes, it's 46 minutes make it an hour plus VAT equals £175,000, any problems just fuck off, see myself out.
So I just look at Dave & he goes, yes, really, Boris recommended him. I'm like babes, what have you DONE?
