Well Dave is like, babes, can I have some friends for tea? I’m like, but you do not HAVE any friends – unless you made up with Govey, God I wish, ALL our shoes need cleaning, he’s like, look, I promised I would get some new friends and I have! I’m like, yay, who, he’s like, well, Alan Sugar, total genius, I just made him an enterprise tsar, go me, Nancy’s like, Dad, that is exactly what you said about Uncle Phil? Dave’s like, HUSH, she’s like, no, Mum, tell him he can’t, not till he’s checked with the Pensions Regulator.
Dave’s like, Alan is more a lovable showbusiness personality, Nancy’s like, uwotm8, you told me he was a hairy wart who makes Donald Trump look like the Goddess Athene, look it is in my diary, Dave’s like, hahaha, Nancy’s like *googles* plus Dad, you said you hated him then he called you a two-faced lightweight & you said he could stick his septic show where – Dave’s like, if you can source another hairy wart qualified to be the proletarian face of remain, fine, if not, Al is coming over RN with Saddo – my nickname for Sadiq, terrific guy. I thought fishfinger sandwiches & eccles cakes, then skittles, make them feel at home?
I’m like, srsly, Sadiq, the one who beat poor Zac, Annabel is still in BITS, Nancy’s like, plus Dad you defo said he was an oily counter-jumper who would see London blown sky high, Dave’s like, oh there’s the door – welcome Al, you old rogue, Mr Sugar is like, lord to you, you lazy posh tosser, do you want your drive done? Dave’s like, & here comes Saddo, mate, help yourself to eccles cakes – ketchup? Saddo’s father was a bus driver darling! I’m like, omigod, LUCKY! Isn’t he, Nancy, don’t you wish Dad was a bus driver? Sadiq’s like, so what did your father do, I’m like *do*? He’s like, well his name, I’m like, oh ta muchly for asking, mate, well Daddy is Sir Reginald & my stepfather, is Viscount Astor, how unromantic is that, oh here’s your tea Al, I poured it in your saucer. Nancy’s like, so Lord Sugar, why did you call Philip Green a retail giant of this country?
• As seen by Catherine Bennett
