I was fine about it until people started going, "Don't worry, obviously no one's looking, but what's the plan for Carla?", as if she was royalty or something. Even old Cable was at it, saying that if I needed to splash out Mrs Cable swears by Florence and Fred at Tesco, and the sale's on. Theresa May said she's no expert, but as the senior woman in cabinet, zebra print is always très chic.
The night before, Cleggsy texted, which was quite sweet I suppose: once with the French word for hello, then a reminder to make cheek contact in the air-kiss, and finally to say he'd changed his mind about my outfit, how about that divine – wasn't it borrowed? – frock I'd worn to the Queen's speech? Because, as I said to Dave, Manuel's well aware I was sitting next to Mrs Michael Gove that day, not Helen of fucking Troy. Plus, last time I looked, I was the person who knew a bit about the fashion business. "Course babes," Dave said. "Please don't call Nick 'Manuel', but you always look lovely, go for bespoke English, remember the budget's coming." So I did.
And I'd blame him for what happened if the whole nightmare didn't make you wonder what the Foreign Office is actually for. I mean, William Hague, hello? Aren't there spies and stuff to warn us when some inexpertly embalmed floozy is planning to make the prime minister's wife look like she shops mail-order, from Ukraine? I've put my foot down, anyway, about Trident – totally non-negotiable until I'm the one in Dior and Mrs Frankenstein gets the maid's outfit. Whatever. I heard her saying, "Regard Nicky – la marche des pingouins hahaha!"
Over tea, she gave it everything – legs, hair, pelvis, flirtatious interest in my post-natal recovery. Didn't our NHS, she said, help mothers avec – "what is ze term – education périnéale après l'accouchement?" Dave looked blank. "Perineal re-education after childbirth, darling," I said. "It's supposed to restore the full quality of intimate relations." I looked at Sarkozy. "Though some medics think it can assist at any age, n'est ce pas, Monsieur le President?"
