Well I said to the Queen, God how clever are you not to take holidays because tbh I seriously would not wish ours on our worst enemy – except for Cleggsy, maybe, now he's gone communist – I mean Total.Fucking. Nightmare. First everyone went mad about Tuscany though we were practically in Croatia ffs, then it was the tennis coach, who actually refused to do a refund when Dave had to leave for the riots, we're talking total moral fail, then people complained about the pathetic Cornwall break, and I told Oik you might as well build on it, because if the sun literally never shines excuse me what is the point, and he was like trust me, I'm on it. And typical Queen, I mean she is so dear but just so crippled by shyness – she just sat in total silence watching the cabers in this horrendous muddy field, completely hilair in one way, but an incredible waste of prime building land. So obvs we are both shattered from the cold and desperate for a holiday as soon as Dave has fixed broken Britain, Ibiza maybe, or Phuket now we won't have the Murdochs at Christmas.
But of course whenever we start brainstorming Cleggsy starts droning about fairness, when I'm sorry, what could be more fair than Govey's genius suit academies, where you name the school after a bespoke tailor and even before it goes into profit every child is guaranteed an amazing set of luxury daywear? Just with a basic top hat and tails Govey says you could turn ferals into Etonians overnight, personally he has felt like a different man since New & Lingwood gave him a full "Yes milord" makeover, all he has to do is help out in Jermyn Street on Saturdays, plus they threw in a complimentary tape measure. And when I told Dave I literally could not have survived Balmoral without the Paul Smith dogstooth, even if the Queen said it made her feel dizzy, he was so up for it, and Govey was just doing this amazing Powerpoint about the New & Lingwood Menswear Academy ™ when Cleggsy started going I say, hang on, we are meant to be a coalition, and Dave was just like, so sue me, dude.
