Well total total non-swankerama but OMIGOD!!!!!! almost five *eeeeek* million people, I’m like, soz, I know I should have said “Dave” & “Downing Street” etc a bit more, but everyone is like, no, it was perfect & vvv natural the way you just did it like once every five minutes, tray casual, I’m like, though are you sure I should not have put Long Term Economic Plan! on the surf cake, literally I made this little banner to go over a marzipan model of Dave in his wetsuit rushing to assist an orphaned fondant migrant whose boat had washed up in Polzeath, but then with my design hat on I thought, wait, maybe surfboards would be more *street*? Plus, Nancy was right, blue colouring already sent out this like, super subtle non-verbal VOTE CONSERVATIVE IF YOU LIKE CAKE message, & appaz it could literally not have come on a better day, because of Oik being a total idiot #google #WTF?
Nancy’s like, FGS Dad, what is Oik even like, dump him now before he does any more damage to brand Cameron, we can’t get Mum on Bake Off every year, you know, even with Rona Fairhead, I’m like excuse me why not, did you see *blushes* my REVIEWS, Nancy’s like, why do you think, bloody BBC pinkoes.
But Mummy is still a little hurt I did not mention Oka, especially with the sale on, I’m like, IKR, typical lefty BBC, they would not even let me talk luxe stationery, when Rona KNEW Bake Off was the perfect platform to launch my new Valentine’s range for discerning romantics who share a passion for the timeless purity of Smythson creations, Sarah Govey literally went mad for the “I really fancy the pants off you” card, was I mad to price it at £8? Nancy’s like, mother, please, a child of 11 could have worked that one out, now if you want to go & practise on your hoverboard Dad – don’t forget your knee pads – you know the legacy bucket list still needs work.
I’m like, OK, what have you got? Nancy’s like, OK, first off, an end to inconvenient roadworks for long-suffering British motorists? I’m like, is that all? She’s like, didn’t I say it needed work?
As seen by Catherine Bennett
