Mrs Cameron's diary

So people are feeling slightly fragile because of course we started celebrating the minute Miliband got going and Oik shouted epic septum FAIL and Picklesy handed out clothespegs and Dave said he had never felt so much love for the BBC as when the screen went dead and Hilto was going would we just fucking listen but of course it was too amazing with the Fartmeister mooning at Ed and Hunty shouting "Watch out Fellowes" and "better than Downton", and Honest Phil said there was a £100 Topman voucher for the best Ed impersonation which Picklesy would have aced except Topman only goes up to size XXXL which is why Honest Phil has to get all his own clothes from Big Fella at Tom Ford.

Then Dave pinged his glass and went give it up for Blondie my friends, and we took off the clothespegs and closed our eyes and Blondie went Lord we thank you for this great gift, grant us in your mercy the everlasting health of our brother Ed, especially in his septum, and we went Amen and Govey led everyone in Come Ye Thankful People Come, and it just felt so right?

So obvs when Tamara and Anya got back from Tripoli they were majorly livid to have missed, but Dave was like, chillax girls, people were literally fighting in the streets to be on that trade mission.

And apparently it was incredible, Tamara says you could not buy a simple tote under Gaddafi and now there is a Jimmy Choo pop-up shop in this vintage tent she personally liberated from armed mercenaries? And Anya was like, who knew Libyans were so well informed, they totally worship Anna Wintour, and when they saw Dave's GR8 BritOn posters they were literally rofl, this incredible tribal elder went what happened to your British Trade Descriptions Act of 1968? And the Libyans said why not put Tesco is Gr8 BritOn, or Housing Estates are Gr8 BritOn. Or, at least, put the Countryside Was Great Britain Until Recently – which I suppose is true if you are the kind of meh person who likes countryside with nothing on it.

Mrs Cameron's Diary by Catherine Bennett (Virago) is out now.