It’s normal for a bride-to-be to get cold feet before her big day. But are you a bad friend if you influence her one way or the other? That’s the question at the heart of a viral AITAH Reddit post.
In the post, Redditor u/FrostGlistenss, a 27-year-old woman, says she’s been friends with the bride, 28-year-old Amy, for years. Amy has been with her partner Jake for around three years, and OP describes him as “a walking red flag.” She says he is “super controlling, jealous, and always checking her location.” She even reports that he once called Amy nine times while they were just having a girls’ shopping trip at Target. Amy constantly comes to his defense, saying he is just overprotective because he cares so much.
Cut to the bachelorette party, which the OP describes as a “disaster.” Jake kept interrupting what was supposed to be a fun night with texts and FaceTimes, asking Amy where she was and accusing her of “acting single.” Amy kept leaving to respond to him, “crying and apologizing,” while her guests sat by awkwardly. OP says after the fourth time Amy left, she “lost it,” and upon Amy’s return, she said loudly enough for the entire table to hear, “You are not marrying a husband. You are signing up for a lifetime of being babysat by a jealous manchild.”
This sent Amy running out of the bar crying, with half the party following her. Later that night, Amy’s mom called the OP drunk and thanked her because the family had concerns about Jake, but didn’t know how to stop the wedding. The mother told Amy that if she went through with the wedding, she would not pay for it. Amy has since blocked Jake and moved out of their shared apartment to live with her parents. However, she also blocked OP for “humiliating” her.
Half of OP’s friends think she did the right thing, while the other half is calling her “jealous and toxic.” So, she asked the internet, “Am I the [expletive]?”
Readers respond
Commenters largely said she was not. But there was plenty of dissent.
“I mean, couldn’t you have done this at any other point before the bachelorette party and not in public, shouting, in front of everyone?” user u/jrm1102 wrote. “You did the right thing, the wrong way. Hopefully she’ll see that eventually.”
OP replied, “Yeah I get that. Honestly I wish I had handled it differently but it just boiled over. Watching her cry in the bathroom over some jealous texts while we were supposed to be celebrating her was too much. I probably should have said something way earlier but I kept hoping she would see it herself. I know the way I did it sucked but I don’t regret finally saying something.”
Other commenters called her out for supposedly using ChatGPT to concoct the story.
Whether the story is fact or fiction, this writer is inclined to agree that OP is NTA. However, I would be remiss if I did not admit my bias as the resident “break up with him” friend of my group.
What do I do if I think my friend is in a bad relationship?
In an article addressing whether it is ever OK to tell a friend to break up with their partner, the Los Angeles Times writes, “If your friend is in an abusive relationship or is being harmed in any way, relationship experts say you should treat the situation urgently and be direct about your concerns. But in most other cases, the answer becomes more complex.”
Queer marriage and family therapist Aaron Martin told the Times it is fine to be honest with your friend and tell them you don’t like their partner, but you should be prepared for the potential fallout.
“One thing experts say you definitely shouldn’t do, though, is demand that they break up with their partner,” the Times writes. It is important that you don’t tell your friend what to do, as that removes their sense of autonomy, which is important for a person to feel happy and fulfilled.
You should also interrogate the reason you have an issue with their partner to begin with. Simply not liking them is acceptable, but it’s not a good enough reason to tell your friend to break up with them. When considering having this tough conversation with a friend, you should make sure you’re keeping their best interests at heart.
The Times suggests you consider, “Do you miss the amount of time you used to spend with your friend when they were single? Are you jealous of their relationship? It’s possible that your own triggers or relationship trauma could be influencing how you feel about your friend’s partner.” These are personal hangups that should not be your main driver in having this conversation with your friend.
If your friend is venting about their partner, as friends so often do, rather than address your issues with their partner at that time, you may want to first ask if your friend just wants a listening ear or if they want advice. If they’re open to hearing your feedback, you can lead with vulnerability by letting them know you have strong thoughts on the matter and you’re nervous they may be upset with you. You can also preface your intentions by letting them know you are not trying to judge or control them, you are simply sharing your thoughts because you care about them.
Once you preface your intentions, experts recommend focusing the conversation on the dynamic of your friend’s relationship rather than their partner. “Rather than saying, ‘He’s rude,’ for example, you can say something like, ‘I’ve noticed that you are reserved when he is around, which is so unlike you’ or ‘I think your partner is holding you back from your goals,’” the Times writes.
After you’ve made your case, there’s always the chance that your friend stays with their partner. This can be awkward, especially if they continue to bring them around or vent to you about them. In this case, experts recommend setting boundaries for yourself. If you can’t stand to be around your friend’s partner, you can be honest with them about that. Or, if you can stomach socializing with them, you might suggest only large group hangouts or a balance between the time you spend with their partner and one-on-one time you get with your friend.
If you can’t bear to hear your friend’s repetitive complaints about their partner, you can also let them know that you can’t continue to rehash the same issues if your friend is unwilling to move forward or make any change, because it is hurtful to see them in a bad situation.
After you’ve expressed your concerns, your relationship with your friend may change. While this can be hurtful, it is important to remember that your friend is in charge of their own life and can make relationship decisions for themselves. At the end of the day, you can’t control who they date.
The Mary Sue reached out to u/FrostGlistenss via Reddit direct message. The post has been deleted as of Sunday, but comments remain viewable.
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