PARKING THE BANTERBUS
Stories emerged in Certain Other Media Outlets this week that José Mourinho had banned banter at Chelsea, following their less than optimum start to the season, which is a decree that we can probably all get behind. However, if those reports are correct then it seems the man himself hasn’t been following his own diktat. “Maybe it was an agreement with a sponsor to promote the Rugby World Cup,” he guffawed to the ladies and gents of the press when asked about Eden Hazard’s cloud-bothering penalty against Maccabi Tel Aviv this week. Ho! José you card!
Now, the Fiver is an expert in these matters, and we can testify that this, despite the apparent badinage moratorium at Chelsea, is most definitely banter. It’s got all the hallmarks. Light-hearted dig in the ribs at a work colleague? Yup. Unfavourable comparison to an inferior sport? Sure. Topical reference? You betcha. Yes, we’ve run the tests, looked at the charts, checked the results and it’s most certainly, absolutely, 100% banter.
Still, he’s probably getting all this light-hearted repartee out of the way before Saturday’s big game, because it’s unlikely that Arsène Wenger will be up for a spot of back-and-forth on the touchline, given his general thoughts on José. He wouldn’t even get involved in the raillery when a few journos attempted to engage him on the subject of Mourinho in his weekly meeting with the media. Does he regret going nose-to-nose with his opposite number on the touchline last season? “I have nothing more to say about this situation.” What about not shaking Mourinho’s hand after the Community Shield? “I don’t want to talk about that.” Will he be shaking his hand on Saturday? “I won’t tell you more than I just told you.”
Maybe Wenger won’t discuss shaking hands because he’s got a surprise for us in that area. Perhaps he’s taking the Brendan Rodgers approach and will go in for the Cool Guy Handshake. Maybe he’ll opt for a Tim Sherwood-esque salute. He could be following Ringo Starr’s lead and not shake hands with Mourinho on hygiene grounds. (This is genuinely true by the way – the drumming Beatle and Sketchers salesman prefers to ‘bump elbows’ rather than sully his palms with yours. Which obviously isn’t weird in the slightest.)
Banter, handshakes. Eesh, remember when we all used to watch football? Because in front of the simmering feud between two men in suits and/or ill-fitting sportswear, there will be some football happening, and some quite good football too, if all goes to plan. Sure, the last time these two met it was more boring than listening to someone explain last night’s dream (you showed up to an exam not wearing any trousers, did you? How fascinating), but now we have potential for all sorts of larks.
Will Chelsea persist with the lumbering calamity that is Branislav Ivanovic at the back? Which of Olivier Giroud and Theo Walcott will Wenger decide is the least average and pick up top? Will Cesc Fàbregas remember that he’s a professional footballer and not a handsome drifter who’s paid to anonymously amble around a field every Saturday? Will Diego Costa insist that he’ll only score if his pal Benny Benassi is personally in the ground to play the goal music?
Yessir, there’s plenty to keep us occupied at the ol’ Bridge this weekend, as two of the better teams in the land meet to play each other at football. So ignore the banter, pay no heed to the handshakes, and look only at what happens on the field, rather than the sidelines.
Unless Wenger and Mourinho start hitting each other of course. That would be excellent.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“All you gotta do is just taaaaap it in...” – Manchester City throw in a Happy Gilmore reference and have a little fun at Fernando’s expense on their official Twitter feed.
FIVER LETTERS
“May I use the Fiver as a public forum to appeal to the berks who keep flying planes over stadia before Everton’s games to do so again on Saturday? Every time they’ve done it this season, we’ve scored three goals and won the match. Let’s see if their protests against the board’s failings can produce another success at Swansea” – Kit Hunwicks.
“In response to Mark Davies, wasn’t the hierarchy of injury terms established a while ago? From a quick Google search (a, um, proper use of Google rather than the repeated searching for a made up German word), see Michael Hatcher’s positing on the subject: snap > gah > twang > tweak > ouch. I’m both proud and embarrassed at remembering this...” – Ryan Sanders.
“‘Qarabag … and Qabala are the only Q-commencing teams in European competition this season’ (Yesterday’s Fiver). How quickly (with a ‘q’) you forget: Queen’s Celtic” – Tom Harp.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Tom Harp.
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BITS AND BOBS
Here’s a question for you. What do you do with a dodgy defender who
isn’t currently good enough to make it into your team ahead of Martin
Skrtel? If you’re Brendan Rodgers, you give him a new
five-year deal. Now hands up who had that answer?
Arsenal now have nearly £200m not to spend on a decent striker or more
defensive midfield cover.
Calf knack means Vincent Kompany will miss Manchester City’s games
against West Ham United and Sunderland and that everyone’s fantasy
football team has been effed up
All hail Ibra.
Lech Poznan fans decided to boycott their side’s match against
Belenenses in protest – wait for this – at Uefa’s decision to
donate €1 from each ticket sold to help refugees. Yeah, with a capital
C.
Set your faces to shocked! Jérôme Valcke tried to secure a
multi-million pound pay-off from Fifa just a week before he was
suspended. Who would have thought that?
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
STILL WANT MORE?
The Glazers milk Manchester United with a £15m dividend – and football is silent, writes David Conn.
How many things are there to look out for in the Premier League this weekend? See if you can guess from the cryptic headline on our Premier League: 10 things to look out for this weekend blog.
Barcelona v Real. Inter v Milan. Porto v Benfica. And, after a 40-year gap, Wigan Athletic v Fleetwood . It’s on like Donkey Kong, writes Paul Wilson.
What should a referee do when presented with a restraining order by a striker before a game? Find out with You are the Ref.
Clever clogs ahoy – it’s our sports quiz of the week.
Luke Shaw faces frustration and agony but he can yet bury the memory, writes Barney Ronay.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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