So far as In the News can see, this April 1 has been one of the greatest on record. The Guardian, as ever, was at the vanguard with its hilarious piece of prankery: "PM says he will speed up public service reforms." The Mail wasn't far behind, though, its brilliant spoof headlined: "Devastating demolition of the case for mass immigration". Meanwhile, the Sun had literally dozens in stitches with its ludicrous tale, "We've spent our £100k Lottery winnings ... can we have some benefits?"
Honestly, three cheers for Her Maj's Press! But nobody, that's nobody, can beat 3am's attempt to claim this year's April Fool crown. Yes, read the following headline and try telling us you can compete with the impish genius of Clemmie and Danielle:
"Kasabian Seal Vow"
Yes! We know! Serge Pizzorno marrying a seal! That's the craziest thing we've ever heard!
Oh. What's that?
"Kasabian have joined the growing global campaign against seal clubbing."
Oh, that kind of seal vow. Is this still a joke?
"The Leicester band are backing animal welfare charity Peta2 in demanding an end to Canada's annual cull of 275,000 baby harp seals."
No, it appears not to be a joke. [For those not in the know, Peta2 appears to be a hip teen spin off from the original - like E4 for animal rights.]
Singer Tom Meighan says: "It's just common sense. I don't think it's OK to smash a baby seal's skull. I'd never wear fur - it's such an ugly thing to do."
In the News backs Tom's stand, even if we're worried that with the use of "common sense", he appears to have conducted some kind of rational appraisal before deciding whether to cull seals or not. What's wrong the traditional anthropomorphic sympathy for the cute little creatures? It's certainly what we prefer.
"Jay Z Books Strip Club"
Sadly there is nothing even remotely pranksterish about this headline. Such is the degenerate state of gender relations in hip-hop that even someone with the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain makes a gentlemen's club his favoured choice of after-show destination.
Still there is a degree of unusual behaviour apparent when 3am report this morning: "Jay Z is to play with Linkin Park in Milton Keynes in June - and will then head to an after-party at Europe's largest strip club. Apparently, For Your Eyes Only in City Road, London, is the only strip joint that stocks Jay's favourite drink, £600-a-bottle Armand de Brignac bubbly. Classy."
Note the qualifier "the only strip joint" - ie if he'd have gone anywhere else he would have had to make do without women taking their clothes off for money and doing fake "o" faces.
Still, while the booking would be depressing, the organisation is impressive. Most bankers' bonding sessions, by comparison, are arranged barely a month in advance.
"Portishead May Not Have Heard of the Internet"
Again, not an unlikely headline when it comes to the 90s' trip-hoppers, but it's the impression given by guitarist Adrian Utley's remarks, as published in this morning's Bizarre, which claim the band are refusing to release a single off their upcoming LP.
"We're not doing any singles," says Utley. "We see it as a whole album."
That any determination to release their opus "whole" will be rendered meaningless as soon as it's released, ripped, uploaded and disseminated across the internet does not at first glance appear to have factored into Utley's equation.
Which brings to mind that classic April Fool's headline of yore: "King Canute: I've Willed The Sea Into Submission. Next it's that Bloody Sun."
