A very happy new year to you all. According to the Chinese zodiac, 2009 is the year of the ox and specialises in producing people who are eccentric, bigoted and easy to anger. My own predictions for the coming year – and before you scoff, remember that I forecast the economic meltdown this time last year while Robert Peston was still blowing a party whistle and wearing a paper hat – are as follows ...
Fashion will see a return to popularity of the donkey jacket. Once favoured by Labour leaders (allegedly), the unemployed, students and Dexys Midnight Runners, these eminently practical garments are going to fly off the shelves. Many will be adorned with the motto "Community payback" and may be given free by local councils as a reward to their young for acts of bravery. The blanket will also become a popular item – you'll see a lot of people wrapped in these, sleeping in doorways.
Culturally, community singing is heading for a town square near you. A perfect way to pass an impoverished evening, adorned in the very latest donkey jacket fashions, warmed by a burning brazier and fed with potatoes from the public purse.
The smoking ban will be lifted in a futile attempt to get people back into pubs and gig venues, but it will be to no avail. Temperance movements will rule the day, and those unable to abandon the booze will make their own – all that's required is water, sugar, yeast and some nettles.
Music will see the resurgence of the comedy record, Salvation Army bands and the Wurlitzer organ. Audiences will be less demanding, and will respond well to whistles, funny accents and rude noises; The X Factor will be won by a priest.
Finally, Black Box Recorder will enjoy a very brief return to popularity, cut tragically short by the band being blown to pieces on stage by a cell of ex-Britpoppers aggrieved at their portrayal in Luke Haines's excellent forthcoming book Bad Vibes. The device will be intended only for him, but sadly the plotters will grossly overestimate the size of the venue.
