That'll be one for sorrow, then ...
For as long as I can remember, I've always greeted magpies, fearing terrible consequences if I ignored them. "Good morning/afternoon/evening Mr. Magpie, please give my kindest regards to your wife and family" is quite possibly British drivers' most-uttered sentence. The consequences of ignoring these scavengers are not known - most people no longer have crops to fail or livestock to be blighted, so it's a hard one to put your finger on. As far as I am aware, the Highways Agency has never carried out a case study on the relationship between fatal car accidents and the national magpie population. I think government money should be made available at once - it could result in a safety awareness advertisement, urging drivers to salute the bird.
Being a former nipper of a certain age, the magpie safety rhyme is drilled into the very fabric of my being - along with the pre-Mike Oldfield Blue Peter theme, Tony Hart's Art Gallery vibes jazz and The Tomorrow People's scary-as-hell Moog signature theme. As I carbon-emit along the byways of the nation, it is possible that the only thing keeping me alive is the respect I show to these occult winged demons because of this rhyme from my childhood:
One for sorrow, two for joy, Three for a girl and four for a boy, Five for silver, six for gold, Seven for a secret never to be told. Maa aa aa ag Pie, Maa aa aa ag Pie!
The point of this piece - yes, there is one - is that these birds are everywhere now. They've taken over. My entire car journey is punctuated with complimentary addresses to Hitchcockian, sky-blackening swarms of the things, and calculating whether I'm to receive the pleasure of a lady, a gent or a pot of gold. On the rare occasion that it's just a single magpie (resulting in sorrow), its melancholic spell can be broken by observing the bird until it is out of view, which is bloody dangerous while hurtling up the M4. Owing to the enormous increase in magpie numbers, yet not wishing to invoke ancient dark forces, I suggest a new abbreviated greeting - respectful, all encompassing, yet not risking calamity: "Yo magpie and all yo' fly bros and hos."
Or something similar. Watch as accident figures plummet. Anyone got any other suggestions?
