It was announced in the London Paper last Friday that bookies were offering odds of 18-1 on Christmas Number One by the Black Arts becoming more than a mere titular boast. Also, according to this wonderfully accurate and utterly unimpeachable free news sheet, those charged with compiling the weekly menu for the nation's jaded ears - the esteemed, eminent, stylish and physically beautiful Radio 1 playlist committee, were about to make us dish of the week. Had I known about this unfolding festive miracle earlier in the day, I'd have been straight round to Northern Rock for a vast loan - I might have even made them an offer. Sadly, ladies and gentlemen of cyberspace, things are seldom this easy.
Although I still have utter belief that we will be Christmas Number One - titularly at least, something about this prediction didn't quite ring true. Apparently we were championed by Colin Murray at Radio One... etc etc - then the penny dropped. The bloody London Paper had us mixed up with Malcolm Middleton singing Gordon Brown's favourite presbytarian hymn - We're All Going to Die Alone.
As far as I know, none of the Black Arts are sleeping with any of the London Paper's writers, but I'm sure it could be arranged if the positive spin keeps coming - John Moore wins Nobel Prize, Luke Haines wins Britain's Strongest Man, Eddie Argos is new England manager...do feel free to try this game at home.
Of course, this week's Radio 1 and 2 playlists have not yet been compiled, so perhaps I'll have to apologise to the London Paper for doubting its scoop. Even if they did get it wrong, it's a rather nice error - and perhaps, as happens in the season of goodwill, Radio 1 will add us to its list to avoid hurting our feelings - like giving weeping orphans a piece of coal and a potato... Musical merit be damned - we need to get on the radio. Xfm don't do Christmas singles apparently - If I was writing for the Daily Mail, I'd set up a campaign and send elderly church ladies to picket them for kowtowing to something or other about not offending other religions while obliterating 2,000 years of Christianity. And I bet they're playing Malcolm Middleton's - due to his canny omission of references to the birth of baby Jesus. Christ, why didn't we think of that?
The NME has come aboard and interviewed Eddie Argos about the record. Of course, this could be another horrible confusion arising from the Morrissey debate, and being seen to support the Black Arts - Conor, anything less than the Christmas cover will be deemed a gross insult by many sections of the community.
Our own holy mother paper the Guardian has been very kind so far, but I fear some extra kindness may be called for... please refer to the London Paper's generosity policy. The debonair cardigan and trouser model very kindly used his Sufjan Stevens 5 CD Christmas boxset review to promote our festive offering. I was Sufjan Stevens' press officer for a year, so apologies Sufjan - but I'm sure you'll see the funny side. BTW Alexis, "Roy" Haines has asked me for your address because he wants to peer through your window... in a nice way of course...
Anyway, the game's not over yet. The green vinyl's available now and we're hoping that will swing it for us. Armies of elves across the globe are on standby, ready to abandon Santa's minimum wage piecework to make a proper wad with us - repressing the Christmas Number One - as demand snowballs. I'm going to be sick now.
