It's Monday morning and all the best rumours have thumped the snooze button, texted their boss to say they've got that vomiting thing and gone back to bed until Cash in the Attic. So while 'Mourinho to Newcastle', 'Despot consortium to buy Liverpool' and 'Carsley in Milan come and get me plea' are making themselves a Lemsip and wondering what time Loose Women starts we will have to make do with the only rumours that are square enough to be up this time on a Monday. Be warned, it's a disappointing motley crew crowbarred together with only the merest nod to cohesion ...
... Much like Newcastle's management team [seamless] which is combusting further with every waking hour. Mike Ashley isn't selling but is taking calls from interested parties. He's also not sacking Keegan but instead is making him promise that Newcastle won't be relegated. Which Keegan can't do because he isn't a fortune teller. Though his hair is similar to egomaniac psychic Derek Acorah ...
... Like Acorah another man who isn't quite as good as he thinks he is [you're in the hands of professionals here, these links are liquid gold] is Andriy Shevchenko, who has told friends that he is moving back to Milan. Which is a surprising only in the sense that we had forgotten he even existed...
... Much like we had forgotten about John Hartson [what do you mean tenuous?]. But Hartson's back a month after retirement as the potential new manager of East Stirling, in Scotland...
...The country that gave us Gary McAllister and Dougie Freedman [the less said about that one the better], who will soon be seen linking up at Leeds anytime soon, if it is given the thumbs up from Neil Warnock who is from England and not Scotland...
...Scotland you say? [oh dear...] Aren't they tapping up the new Wayne Rooney - Plymouth's 14-year-old Aaron Spear - to represent them rather than England? They are indeed. And that, we're afraid is the best you are getting today.
