The Rumour Mill doesn't half feel like MacGyver today. A stretched concept stuck in a tired and dated format? No, not in that way. A hard-bitten and surly cop, hated by criminals but loved by the ladies? Sadly not like that either. We are of course referring to MacGyver's ability to use seemingly useless everyday objects and information to get himself out of the tightest scrapes.
Stuck in a glass tank filling with water? MacGyver would build breathing apparatus from four dead matches, a disused petri-dish and the seven-inch version of Charles and Eddie's Would I Lie To You. Parachute cords cut? He'd just create atmospheric drag by constructing a device from three staples, an exhaust pipe and a copy of Thursday's Racing Post. No rumours to report and a column to fill? He'd just take mundane mutterings like Kevin Phillips to sign a contract extension at West Brom and make far more out of them than could reasonably be expected. In that case, Tony Mowbray has resigned himself to life in the Championship for another year, Hull will get promoted and Phil Brown will be crowned king of the world.
But what would MacGyver do with the story that Gilberto has passed his UK citizenship test? Pretty simple; he'd conclude that the Brazilian captain is staying in England for the foreseeable future, though probably not at Arsenal, probably at somewhere like Portsmouth. He could then combine that using a crocodile clip and some homemade adhesive with the rumour that Harry Redknapp wants to pay £5m to Rennes for John Mensah, who will become the new Sol Campbell and help Pompy escape the drudgery of domestic football and into the Uefa Cup.
Chris Coleman wants to pay £2m for Wolves's Freddy Eastwood. MacGyver, what can we do with that? No need for clever engineering here, simply laugh loudly and make a weak joke about one too many snakebites at the student disco. Or just hold your head in your hands and wonder when news of the credit crunch will reach the footballing world.
Finally, it's in the papers again but only for a maximum of seven more days, Inter have given Jose Mourinho a week to decide whether to join them. Best build a compass from an alphabet fridge magnet, two Shedded Wheat and a copy of Shoot, so that the Special One can find his way to a secret meeting with Barcelona and keep himself in the tabloids for the next few months.
"You've saved the day again MacGyver, what can we do to thank you?"
"Get some better rumours tomorrow, kid!"
"We can but hope."
[Roll credits]
