It's so hard to get any work done when there's so much good reality television on these days. How can the Mill be expected to pen a satirical take on Charlie Sheringham's possible move to Denmark when we still need to catch-up on the latest instalment of Greg Rusedski and Linda Lusardi on Dancing on Ice? Still, we are not alone, Fabio Capello suffered from the same problems last month when instead of boning up on his English sentence construction, he was watching the X-Factor. Influenced by the hit show, Fabio has decided to audition wannabes for the England captaincy and set-up a boot-camp style training regime for England's players.
While Steven Gerrard will be singing an acapella version of Leader of the Pack against Switzerland, other hopefuls will get their chances in future friendlies. As always, the best entertainment comes from the desperate characters whose unbreakable belief far outweighs their actual talent, so it can only be a good thing that Jermain Defoe has been called into the squad to replace Gabriel Agbonlahor.
While Capello curses the hasty appointment of Stuart Pearce now that Louis Walsh has been released by Simon Cowell from his 'X-Factor hell', Defoe also has bigger things on his mind, as part of the on-off-up-down-shake-it-all-about Portsmouth and Man City striker saga. Seemingly settled at Portsmouth, Defoe is now said to be "in talks" with another party, girlfriend Danielle Lloyd. We'd be loath to speculate what they will be talking about but Lloyd has form. She recently bought and sold an Audi R8 for a £30,000 profit in one day, so she's not averse to wheeling and dealing products that look better than they perform.
At the other end of the tedious striker saga that refuses to let the transfer window go quietly, no one wants Benjani and he may well be forced to live the rest of his life in his Manchester hotel room. According to the Mirror, the Premier League is forcing Man City to cough up the cash for him, even though they no longer want him. But the Star think Man City will go to court to prove he's not theirs, a tactic 'Arry surely toyed with after David Nugent's first training session at Portsmouth. However, the Mail think Man City still want him and will go to court win custody. It's got all the makings of a wonderful and long-overdue sequel to Kramer vs Kramer.
Meanwhile Cesc Fábregas has put Arsenal's players under more pressure than Holly Willoughby's underwire by saying Arsenal should win the Premier League. And he's put their success down to Arsène Wenger's skill with numbers. "Apart from William Gallas and Manuel Almunia everyone is 20, 22 and 24," the little Spaniard told the Sun, presumably drawing attention to the fact that Wenger only picks players of even-numbered age. So expect wholesale changes in the summer at the Emirates as everyone hits 21, 23 or 25, possibly including a £12m move to Barcelona for Alexander Hleb, according to the Mail.
As for Teddy Sheringham's son Charlie, he's looking at a move to Danish second division side Fremad Amegar. Apparently the extra fjord is in his head.
Right, back to Dancing on Ice.
