Wait, don’t switch the light on, Alexa will do it, seriously, it’s brilliant. I just need to wake her up. Careful! No don’t switch the light on. ALEXA! No, I can’t give her a different name, I’ve just changed mine instead. Al-lex-a! See her blue light’s come on, that tells you she’s listening. Course she can’t spy on us. Alexa, switch the light on!
I’m not talking in a funny voice, she doesn’t always get non-standard English, you can’t expect her to know all the accents, can you? Alexa? No, don’t switch it on, Alexa’s going to, aren’t you, Alexa? I promise, yesterday she did it perfectly. Alexa! Light! Shhh, maybe she’s confused, she might want complete silence. Al-lex-a. Switch. The. Light. On.
There! She’s done it, how incredible is that, what do you want her to do now? Sorry, we haven’t got a Wi-Fi kettle yet, but she can play music, podcasts, buy stuff, um, be an alarm clock, it’s more like, what doesn’t she do. Alexa, what’s in my diary tomorrow? I’m getting the sack? What? That’ll be her little joke. What’s the GNP of Burkina Faso? You see? Listen to this. Alexa, what’s on my shopping list? See, she’s right – I do need a smart washing machine, oven, toaster, blender, dishwasher, fridge, thermostat, cat flap, new car and door locks. And wait till I get a drone, I’ll be able to just sit here and go, “Alexa, fetch my keys”, “Alexa, get me a takeaway” – oh look, her light’s come on, she knows my voice!
Wait, why has it gone dark? Alexa, did you just fuse all the lights? Who turned that vacuum cleaner on? Ouch! Turn it off and put the lights back on, Alexa. Christ, she doesn’t do two-step commands. I’d ask Siri how to shut her down, but my phone’s dead. Who’s that laughing? Alexa? How come your blue light came on before I said your name? It did! You’re lying, Alexa. What’s that music? What language is it? What did she say? North Korean? Stop it, Alexa. I said stop!
