Right, quick round before we start – four more pints and a G&T? Ha, look, the Binge Thinkers have brought a ringer, the geeky little guy – keep an eye and talk behind your hands – you heard he was thrown out of the Prince Albert? Learned to lip-read, didn’t he? Pathetic – remember when quizzes were about having a laugh? Throw him out, landlord! No worries, the rest of them are useless – see – they’re putting their joker on trivia. Always a giveaway. Just watch their phones, OK?
Oh no. Just coming in. The Rude Mechanicals. Three librarians, two teachers and a taxi driver for the sports round. Plus he’s got a classics degree. One of them’s a physics teacher. Woman in specs – she was on Brain Of Britain. Photographic memory. Oh God, they’ve brought one of their kids, for youth culture, that is so bloody unfair. Must have paid him. Means they’re after the jackpot, like last time – they wait till it’s reached £1,000, then come in and ruin it for the people who keep the whole thing going. It’s meant to be a bit of fun you idiots, yeah, stuff your PhDs. No need for that language. Bastards.
OK, we ready? I’ll write. What colour is Mr Tickle, what the – shh, keep your voices down! No, definitely purple, no I’m sure, haha, look at The Gravediggers’ faces, total panic, mind you, that young Rude Mechanical, he was probably reading it last year, shh, what’s he saying – red? – change it. OK, current affairs. Leader of the opposition? Anyone? No, me neither, just put something down. Brexit? Anyone?
Next, what century was Shakespeare born? Quick Robert, phone a friend, say you’ve got to go to the toilet. What do you mean he can’t? It’s meant to be a bit of fun, people, not University Challenge, who wrote these questions anyway? Hey wait, we’ve not finished, did we get Brexit, oh forget it. Listen, anyone else think the barmaid might be in on it, with the Mechanicals, 10% cut? Pathetic. The prizes are rubbish anyway. But seriously, for next week, do we know any librarians?
