Sorry, mind holding my top – and my bra – for a moment? I haven’t done this on a train yet, do you think they can see my nipples OK if I stand like this? For a #freethenipple selfie? Seriously? Well, hang on, let me just tweet it. Perfect. If I tell you that Miley Cyrus has done a #freethenipple, that’s how huge it is… of course, Scout Willis was the one who made walking around with bare breasts a thing, after Instagram banned a photo of a sweatshirt she designed featuring topless women. Then Courtney Love joined in, which is incredible, you know, because she is not that young, no offence… I mean, if you like, I can Instagram yours, see how long it takes for someone to report it?
Honestly, it is the most liberating thing since no-makeup selfies. Go for it, it’s fantastic that you’ve breastfed four kids, because that’s what nipples are for, right? Wow, 44G, really? You’d never know under the cardigan. Well, it would show you don’t have to look like Cara Delevingne to protest about all the censoring around women’s nipples when men can show theirs, because this is totally about freedom from the patriarchy, not body image. Think about it, even Cara’s not allowed to show her nipples, but there are allowed to be wars?
It’s like Gandhi said, be the change: we’re taking pictures of our breasts until nobody finds them sexual any more. No, not like Page Three. I’m not even going to vote for a party that doesn’t commit to #freethenipple. If men find breasts sexual, that is their problem. Actually, loads of the people who retweet my nipple selfies are men, no, of course they don’t use it as porn. I mean, would you perv over hairy man-boobs? I wish they’d cover them up, like penises – well, obviously penises should be covered, not because they are shameful, but they are sexual, right? I’m not sure about testicles, but you can’t breastfeed with them, can you? How unjust is it that someone like Poldark is permanently topless, whereas Rihanna gets banned on Instagram just for showing how relaxed she is around lactation-focused human anatomy?
