Sorry could you knock next time? Course you’re allowed but this is basically a man cave now I’m working from home so, you know, just let me close the laptop. A lot of men don’t even let women in theirs, I see you’re admiring my Farting Allowed sign, oh, the beer can chandelier – thanks, made it myself, took me for ever, and on the right, that’s my collection of rare condoms, that’s why the kids can’t come in here, I whittled the walnut display cabinet, real labour of love, see this one, very unusual, got it on a school trip to St Malo, that’s the joy of having my own space, I’d never be allowed them in the house. Cold beer, cider, ale? Just say what you like, I’ve my own secret fridge, can you spot it – hidden behind the tennis girl poster? I only just saved that from the dump. Ha, don’t worry about the vivarium, this is Dave, he’s perfectly friendly, aren’t you Dave? Well, for a snake.
Up there? Literally every trainer I have owned since the age of 18 is on that shelf, some very rare examples. Can you believe she wanted to throw them out? Bowl of cereal? Frosties, Coco Pops, Cookie Crunch, all the banned stuff. I have mine with a shot, over at the bar – thanks, repurposed dinghy, towed it home, painted it Arsenal colours, sourced the chains, upholstered the bar stools in wild boar skin, took me years – don’t touch that button! – well, not unless you’re interested in vintage erotica. Game of darts before you go? Pinball? Or Call Of Duty – the screen’s behind that trophy cabinet, yeah, all the old badges I was never “allowed” in the house, take up too much room, apparently, like the pool table and that Dansette I rescued. I mean everything takes up a lot of space, right, that’s why I’m extending. Just a kitchenette for fry-ups after an all‑night sesh, plus I’m planning a Tarzan-style sleeping nest, concealed behind a giant polystyrene boulder? If only we could put a loo in here I’d never have to go back in the house again.
