It’s not just the unconditional love, mind you the way they wag their tails when you come home as if you’d been out for 10 years, but that’s dogs for you, they’ve got so much to teach us about loyalty and kindness. I could swear that if Cyril – the lab, he’s the more Christ-like one – could talk, he’d just say, “Love one another.”
Now Gertie, she’s tougher, talk about determined, you should have seen her when she was a puppy, the softest ball of fluff but with this massive personality, and so clever, I swear when we went to see the litter she chose us, she trotted straight over with this look on her little face, as if to say, “I know I’m the prettiest, so don’t even think about leaving without me.” We fell in love on the spot, and now I wouldn’t dream of doing anything without consulting them.
Take my book, I said to Cyril, don’t you think I should write something about the brilliance of dogs? From the way his tail drooped I knew he wasn’t convinced but desperately wanted to be polite, typical Cyril, it was like, “Well I won’t stop you, but how much is there to say about animals that spend most of the day barking at nothing or licking their arses?” and I totally saw his point. But Gertie was completely on board, she did her firm bark as if to say, “Get real, people, we need the bloody cash.”
I swear she’s the reincarnation of Margaret Thatcher, not just her hair, but she always snarls when Corbyn’s on, and I know if I’m going overdrawn because she’ll wee on my handbag. But Cyril’s our rock, I swear he’s the reincarnation of Willie Whitelaw, one day they both started howling, uncanny, because literally seconds later my agent rang to say five more celebrity dog books were coming out before Christmas. I came the closest I’ve ever been to existential despair, but Gertie looked at me as if to say, “Just make up a chapter about reincarnation, that’ll do it”, and do you know, she was absolutely right?
