Do you like cats? C’mon, everyone likes cats, you seem like a lovely sensitive person, I promise you’d love Tiddles. Look here’s him on my shoulder, here’s me tickling his tummy, here’s him with a dead baby bluetit, it’s a wildlife morgue, my kitchen, since Tiddles arrived, he’s a real fighter, terrorises the entire neighbourhood, look here’s him with a thrush, quite big but he got it all the same, I was like, that’s my boy!
You like birds? Don’t worry, I put it out of its misery, I mean after Tiddles had had a little play, you can’t change instinct can you? Oh me, too, I love birds, in fact Tiddles hardly ever catches any, he’s useless, great big fur baby, his favourite thing is snuggling up with me on the sofa, that’s when he’s not destroying furniture, honestly he’s such a character, loves antiques, couldn’t care less about the Ikea stuff – these scratches? Oh just Tiddles going off on one, they’ll soon heal, I think he was hungry, mainly he’s good as gold, then out of the blue, bam, he’s this ball of scratching, biting, spitting cat rage, hilarious.
Like if I bring a woman friend home, he’ll be nice as pie to them, then soon as my back is turned, pow, it’s almost as if he’s jealous – don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt, anyway I know he’d love you. Well, he loves long silky hair, like normally he sleeps on my pillow, well on my face actually, I think he likes the beard, but any time – I mean, hardly ever, obviously, I’m not that kind of person – there’s someone with long hair sleeping over, he’s right on their pillow, won’t budge an inch, doesn’t matter if he went for them earlier, lies on their hair until 5am sharp – well that’s when he likes to go out, do his business, don’t worry he’s very clean, only poops in other people’s gardens.
So wouldn’t you like to come back and meet him, give him a cuddle, you know it’s very therapeutic? You’re allergic? You can’t be, all women like cats, I mean that’s why I got – no, look, come back, I haven’t told you about my snake yet.
