Mind that lady, Ned, with your felt pen, excuse me he’s four, he was focusing on the paintings, he literally reveres Vanessa Bell, don’t you Ned, yes, of course you can lie down here. Shall we copy this lovely portrait, what do we think the lady’s doing? Yes, well done Ned, she could be on her iPad, actually I think that pink bit is sewing and her name was Virginia, isn’t that a pretty name, and she was Vanessa’s little sister! Just like if Bunny painted a beautiful picture of Ned, yes Bunny, I know you wouldn’t forget to put the eyes in, but do you think perhaps Vanessa did that on purpose? What do you like best – the lovely lines, the amazing sense of freedom?
Careful darling, don’t stand quite so close, you might scrape your nose, excuse me she’s only six and you love anything avant garde, don’t you, Bunny, remind me, which Bloomsbury is your favourite? Virginia? Poor Carrington? Yes Ned, we know you’re mad about Maynard, but look at the almost sensuous curve of this chair – excuse me? Could you just move, my son is trying to sketch the painting for his records.
Now, Bunny, do you remember what was so special about Virginia? Yes, besides writing books. And being so sad. Yes, well done, she did have a lesbian affair with Vita Sackville-West, what fun, oh dear do you think we’ve shocked some of these lovely people? Ned, oops, did you need to go again – look after him, Bunny, while I borrow some tissues, there, all gone, excuse me he’s just a child responding to the work, it’s exactly the kind of acte gratuit any actual artist would adore, isn’t it, Bunny?
Snack time! Slow down darlings, I think the kind gallery man thinks you’re going to spill your drinks on the nude with poppies, doesn’t it just make you want to swoon with joy, yes, that’s our ninth nude today, yes, brilliant, they are a bit like satellite dishes. Be careful with that hopping, you might hurt yourselves, now how would you describe this colour? How clever, it is a bit like poo, now darlings, your favourites – abstracts!
