Come in – down Caesar! Sorry, he’s very protective, no he’s never bitt— well, only the once, did it not mention a dog? Here, I’ll chain him up. Just step round the boxes, some stuff I’m selling on eBay, so if you wanted to buy a reconditioned iPhone? Watch that mousetrap!
Here’s your room, oh dear, really, some of the guests, well they’re not getting a good review, sorry I’ve been out all day or I’d have warned you, I’ll get some bleach, you’ll have it spotless in no time. Did it not say cleaning’s extra? Sure, coat hangers are £5 each.
I’m right next door so if you could keep the noise down, the walls are fairly thin – here’s your bathroom, oh that’s not very nice is it, let me put the lid down, the flush is a bit temperamental, mind, you want to depress and hold for exactly seven seconds, it’s all on the note – you’ve got loo paper?
And towels? Didn’t it say? You could use this flannel they’ve left, until you’ve bought some, or borrow ours, £15 a day.
House rules – the usual, no alcohol, no talking after 9pm, lights off at 10pm or you forfeit the deposit, hot water’s on for an hour from 3am, additional times by arrangement, breakfast between 6.45 and 7am, the tray will be on the stairs – you’re welcome to go into the kitchen, but it’s very much Caesar’s space.
What else? Any ants, no problem, they’re not the biting kind. And whatever you do, don’t go in there. My stepson. If he comes out, don’t meet his eye.
Don’t touch that shrine! Are you interested in Moloch? There’s a lot of occult power involved, so if you do hear any unusual noises in the night, don’t worry, that’ll just be the spirits, completely harmless but you might want to stay in your room.
You’ll sleep well, I always do, the great thing about this area is, the planes don’t wake you until at least six. Now. Does either of you fancy a massage? It’s a bit of a sideline of mine, actually, so now’s your chance, before it gets busy.
