ANTONI–OH
Won’t somebody please, please, please, please think of Antonio Conte? Having seen his team knocked out of the Rumbelows Cup by an Arsenal side that has not been in crisis for 10 whole days (and won’t be again until 30 January at the earliest thanks to the FA Cup-induced crisis that preceded the most recent crisis prompted by defeat at the hands of Bournemouth), the Chelsea manager has taken up the Most Beleaguered Manager mantle in order to air his grievances over a Chelsea recruitment policy that has left him down to what ‘Arry Redknapp so memorably referred to as “the bare bones”.
It is difficult not to empathise, of course. A club that has always lived within in its means, unlike those nouveau riche arrivistes up the road in Manchester or beyond in Paris, Chelsea have kept the Italian on a ridiculously tight rein since his arrival in that there big London, restricting his spending on new players to a little under £300m. Meanwhile, other more lavish spenders around Europe are blowing outlandish sums on your Neymars, your Mbappés, your Pogbas and your Coutinhos, so what’s po’ Conte to do? Repeatedly vent his spleen, it seems, by moaning about his inability to splurge on similarly gifted players while conveniently ignoring the fact that, in Eden Hazard, he already has one scampering around under his nose.
“When there is an injury to one of your best players it is not simple, especially when on the bench the only substitute is Ross Barkley,” he grumbled in the wake of last night’s defeat, in an outburst that suggested he wasn’t too bothered about which of Barkley or his six other subs he offended the most. Conte went on to say that the new arrival “can improve a lot”, which seems a fair assessment of a former Everton midfielder who appears to have become so rusty after six months on the sidelines that it took him 10 minutes to unzip his tracksuit.
While it is true that Roman Abramovich has tightened his purse strings and Chelsea no longer spend with the gay abandon of yore, many of the players they have spent big sums on have raised more questions than answers. Questions like “Danny Drinkwater?!?”, “What is Tiémoué Bakayoko for?” and “What the dickens have they done to Álvaro Morata?” Such conundrums render the self-pity of a manager a little hollow, not least when he has signed off on the loan of 26 players, many of whom couldn’t conceivably do a worse job than some of those still at the club Conte will almost certainly leave next summer if not before.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I genuinely feel excited about the passion of Leeds fans. It’s slightly unfortunate it’s been demonstrated in this way” – Leeds United managing director Angus Kinnear applies a positive spin to the fact that a protest against a proposed new club crest signed by over 70,000 people has sent the designers back to the drawing board. Feel free to try designing one yourself.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Surely the Leeds United committee of misguided middle management [Wednesday’s Fiver] who signed off on that new crest should have suspected something was wrong when the model used for it refused to show his face, and was even covering up the crest on his own jersey. Or were they just concerned at the cost of the intricate needle-work involved if the crest on the shirt of the man in their new crest required a smaller man wearing an even smaller crest, which in turn featured a tiny man, and so on … like when someone connects their camcorder to the telly and points it at the screen” – Declan Keane.
“This newfangled Uefa Nations League [Wednesday’s Fiver] raises two vital questions in my mind. First, what witty, mildly ludicrous nickname will the Fiver come up with to deride the tournament (my suggestion - the Euro Can)? And second, will any of the pundits explain how and when the new format will allow Germany to eliminate England on penalties?” – Mike Wilner.
“In Wednesday’s Fiver there were good examples of the bad things that happen when you put middle management in charge of the creative process. Has the Fiver had a promotion?” – Justin Johnson.
“Not to let logic ruin a good saga (erm), but since we’ve now established Stoke could theoretically pip Manchester City on goal difference, are there any bored mathematicians out there who can confirm that they could then pip every other team above them? I’m imagining an unfathomable number of draws (poor Littlewoods) or 13-goal wins for the ‘unfashionable’ teams could do it? Any Fiver readers up to the challenge?” – Paul Dixon.
“David Carr anticipates slurping champagne from the Premier League trophy in Wedsnesday’s Fiver. May I suggest this could go horribly wrong when: 1) You put your eye out on one of the pointy crown bits and 2) The bubbly stuff spills all over your shirt when it comes out of the holes around the base of the pointy crown” – Dave Gill.
“Hi Mr Fiver – just wanted to thank you. I read your stuff in Trinidad everyday while I’m eating lunch and it helps me to sleep after. My boss however does not have the same opinion” – Mr Ramnarace.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mr Ramnarace.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Real Madrid managed to botch their Copa del Rey second leg against Leganés, who won 2-1 at the Bernabéu thanks in part to the heroics of the fantastically named goalkeeper Nereo Champagne.
Kaiserslautern’s game at Darmstadt was abandoned at half-time on Wednesday after the visiting side’s manager Jeff Strasser suddenly became ill and was taken to hospital.
Aston Villa manager Steve Bruce has dialled his own special Manchester United hotline and managed to nab England Under-21 defender Axel Tuanzebe on loan until the end of the season.
Mark Clattenburg/Clatters has earned widespread praise in Saudi Arabia for stopping play during extra time of a Saudi Kings Cup match between Al Faiha and Al Fateh, out of respect for the Muslim call to prayer.
And Brighton & Hove Actually’s Glenn Murray and his wife have been arrested on suspicion of tax fraud totalling £1.1m.
STILL WANT MORE?
Tumble-dryer fires and missing kit: how Newport came back from the brink and could give Tottenham an FA Cup test.
Meet Javi Gracia, the new Watford manager who stands up for his players, writes Sid Lowe.
Uefa’s trends make for interesting reading, at least for Paul MacInnes who has delved into the heart of them.
Due diligence on Phil Neville could not save the FA from another PR mess, so-says Martha Kelner.
Italian football does not make sense in the English language, argues Sam Griswold.
Yeovil Town invited Ben Fisher in for an access-all-areas day-out before they host Manchester United on Friday night.
And the Glovers feature in this week’s Classic YouTube, as do some wonderful Jimmy Armfield memories.
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