Mitt Romney: call him Second Prize, the man who always wins the silver medal. He lost to John McCain. He lost to Ted Kennedy. He lost to Barack Obama. Yes, he ran the Olympics – but the Winter Olympics. Sure, he was governor of Massachusetts, home to Mike Dukakis and John Kerry, the runner-up state.
So already Mitt Romney has disproved the old saw about there being no second acts in American life. Here's the top 10 ways that Mitt Romney can prove he's got third, fourth and fifth acts all ready to go. Because as he kept telling us, Mitt Romney knows how to create jobs.
1. Chief executive of PBS
Watch out, Paula Kerger, current president and chief executive of PBS. Mitt Romney just has to stride into the PBS boardroom, look everyone in the eye and say: "I love Big Bird." Drops the mic. Game over. You may as well resign now, Kerger.
2. Game show host
Mitt Romney to host a new talent show, America's Got Trees, in which the failed presidential candidate and a panel including Tyra Banks and Edward Knipling, administrator of the US Agricultural Research Service, sit in judgment of contestants' trees. At the climax of each round Romney reveals which tree is "just the right height".
3. Furniture magnate
Mitt Romney knows a great PR opportunity when he sees one – sometimes – so why not form a business partnership with Clint Eastwood to design and market a line of furniture aimed at the elderly and ironic hipsters. Motto: "Chairs you can talk to."
4. Real-life Bond villain
If there's anyone who could pull off the whole Bond villain thing, it's Mitt Romney. He already has the wealth and inappropriate laugh. All he needs now is to buy mysterious Skull Island, start work on a Death Beam in a dormant volcano – and pretty soon the UN will be getting ransom demands for a trillion dollars and a recount of Ohio in which Romney wins no matter what the outcome.
5. Restaurant founder
A national chain of all-you-can-eat buffets named The 47%, drawing on Mitt Romney's wide knowledge of American regional cuisine – such as deep-fried butter and cheesy grits – from the campaign trail. Advertising slogan: "Everybody wants free stuffing!"
6. Bitter old man
You lost the election – so why not fail to get over it by ceaselessly moaning about the guy who beat you, while going on the Sunday talk shows and making idle threats? Note: this post is currently occupied by John McCain.
7. Presidential candidate
Look: Rubio's a kid who muffs a softball interview with GQ. Christie's a lard bucket who sucks up to Obama. Romney 2016! [Promoted tweet from @Hillary_for_President]
8. Executive headhunter
Another business opportunity staring Mitt Romney in the face: a femaile-only executive recruitment agency, Binders Full of Women.
9. Saviour of the Twinkie
A takeover of Twinkie manufacturer Hostess is just the job for a turnaround expert such as Mitt Romney. Critics might point out that an appetizing appearance masks a lack of substance and a core of toxic gunk. But enough about Paul Ryan.
10. Nothing
Finally: Mitt Romney could just hang around, doing nothing of note and living off his wealth, just as he did between early 2008 and sometime in 2011. (Seriously, what did Romney do between presidential campaigns? Go into cryogenic suspense? Hunt for Nicole Simpson's real killer?)
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