I’d best admit it first: I love Top Gear. I don’t like what it stands for, the opinions its presenters express, their casual delight in causing offence, their contempt for anything that doesn’t reflect their smug, moneyed worldview (though I suspect James May might be OK – the occasional programmes in his Toy Stories strand often end up reducing me to tears with their joy in their Sisyphean pointlessness). And most of all, like so many people, I don’t care for Jeremy Clarkson. The other presenters’s insults to him – ape, cock – might be meant affectionately, but they fairly accurately represent the persona he presents onscreen. But there will be a Top Gear-shaped hole in my week for an hour from 8pm on Sunday, and maybe there will be in yours, too. I’ve decided to fill that hole with some Clarkson-themed music – not necessarily the music he listens to (though there’s a bit of that), but the music that captures the essence of Clarkson, the man. The ape. The cock.
1 Whitesnake – Slide It In
Why? Because of the respectful and interested way it addresses women, just like Clarkson. Did you ever see the episode when the actor Amber Heard appeared as the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car? Clarkson spent a good chunk of the interview salivating over the fact that she is bisexual, as if her sexuality was a choice that she had made purely to give ageing men pleasure. He pretty much repeats that behaviour every time an attractive woman appears on the programme, which must make them feel welcome – because there’s nothing women like more than men publicly leching over them in front of millions of viewers. It’s a professional trait shared by Whitesnake’s David Coverdale, who has spent most of his career explaining to women how well he understands them, as on this piece of poetry: “I know what you want / I can see what you’re looking for / I know what you want from me / And I’m gonna give you more / I’m gonna slide it in right to the top.” Right you are, David.
2 Oasis – Falling Down
Why? Because Clarkson is TV presenting’s Noel Gallagher – a man clearly in possession of a brain who chooses to use it to offer knee-jerk reactions designed to amuse a core fanbase who really don’t care for any of this newfangled stuff. Noel’s not ’aving Jay-Z at Glastonbury, Jeremy’s not ’aving the Toyota Prius. Noel loves old Beatles records, Jeremy loves old Jags. Noel thinks people want him to behave like a rock star, Jeremy thinks people want him to drive supercars. Noel makes outrageous comments by rote, Jeremy makes outrageous comments by rote. They are the same person.
3 Rod Stewart – Every Picture Tells a Story
Why? Because of Rod’s and Jeremy’s shared taste for the unfortunate racial epithet. Jeremy has his “slopes” and his Mexicans and … well, pick a nationality at will. But then he goes on the Top Gear specials and tells us all how wonderful the people are – yes, even the “slopes” – and how brilliant it is. How can anything he said have been racist? Come on! And Rod can record a peerless album like Every Picture Tells a Story but then in its title track sing about the “slant-eyed lady”. But he liked her! Listen to the song! And he loves soul and the blues! So how can “slant-eyed lady” be racist? Blimey, people have no sense of humour. PC gone mad.
4 The Darkness – Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)
Why? Because both Jeremy Clarkson and Justin Hawkins (a former Top Gear guest) find something unaccountably amusing in penises, and can’t help making references to them. There can’t be a TV show, including medical documentaries, that makes so many references to the penis – or the “gentleman’s sausage”, as the Top Gear presenters say – as this programme about cars. The Darkness, similarly, constructed an entire Christmas single around their desire to make a reference to “bell ends” in the song’s chorus and title. Like Clarkson’s jokes, it’s not funny.
5 Genesis – I Know What I Like (in Your Wardrobe)
Why? Because beneath the golf club bore exterior, there lurks someone interesting. Clarkson’s most public display of his quirks comes in his unabashed love of prog. You’d expect him to like the 80s Genesis, the drivetime band clad in sports jackets, the Genesis beloved of Patrick Bateman. But no: Top Gear probably plays Peter Gabriel-era Genesis more often than any other programme on national TV or radio. I Know What I Like alone has been used on the show three times – most memorably when Clarkson drove through India playing the song through a roof-mounted speaker, to the evidently unefeigned disgust of Richard Hammond. If he comes back, can we have more of that Clarkson?
