Exclusive! Imagine that the Guardian has got hold of the motivational debate notes from Thursday night of the remaining six party leaders. This scoop follows the revelations that Ed Miliband reminded himself to be a “happy warrior” during the TV debates. As it appears that all of the contenders scrawled notes to themselves during the debates, we have done our best to decipher their sometimes unintelligible handwriting.
Nigel Farage (Ukip)
Anger leads to sweat, sweat leads to looking like a bad version of Richard Nixon.
HIV is expensive.
Foreigners are expensive.
Foreigners with HIV are evil?
Yes.
Natalie Bennett sounds Australian – weaponise this.
Shouting is impressive.
Don’t think about how HD will make you look extremely unwell.
There’s a beer waiting for you at the end of this.
Don’t think too much about the beer or you will SWEAT.
Remember to bring up Natalie Bennett’s expensive healthcare requirements.
Expert analysis: Nigel’s appearance on stage resembled the final scenes of Return of the Jedi in which Darth Vader’s helmet is finally removed. The awful ageing effects of constantly worrying about migration are now clear.
David Cameron (Conservatives)
You are not here.
Crouching leader, hidden prime minister.
Every economy second economy word economy must economy be economy economy economy
This will all be over soon enough, just do not do anything.
Heir to Blair.
Don’t smile when Clegg tries to sound important.
Farage is not a nutcase. Maintain a face that suggests you respect him.
In that movie Lucy, Scarlett Johansson becomes all-powerful just by using 100% of her brain. Can I use my brain to turn invisible for the next two hours?
Expert analysis: there were times during the debate when Cameron appeared distracted, and when he did not engage with the other contestants. We can now see that he was doing everything in his power to avoid being noticed.
Nicola Sturgeon (SNP)
Do not reveal dismissive views of Ed Miliband.
Ignore your feelings for David Cameron.
Note to self to check later: what did I tell that lovely French ambassador?
You’ve eaten tougher saveloys than these ninnies.
You’re better than these guys, but don’t let on that you know it.
Freedom!
Expert analysis: Nicola Sturgeon’s debating prowess left others for dust. Sturgeon managed to keep a lid on her contempt for other party leaders.
Natalie Bennett (Green)
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
There is no debate.
You do not have a cold.
You can do this.
Harness your spirit animal.
Your spirit animal does not have a cold.
Your spirit animal doesn’t need costed policies.
Don’t forget the warm words about Isis.
We do not need an army. Under the Greens there will be no war.
Expert analysis: Natalie Bennett took enough Lemsip to survive the debate.
Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrats)
Imagine everything you say is being Auto-Tuned.
Go for Dave’s jugular, create a gap.
Doing this stuff for real is tough.
The gold tie looks good. It does not look cheap and nasty.
Don’t go left, don’t go right. Fudge it with us.
Fudge is basically yellow.
Sound more like Bertie Carvel.
Which Avenger would I be? Iron Man.
That’s bound to come up.
Expert analysis: Clegg went for Nick Clegg circa 2010 and missed.
Leanne Wood (Plaid Cymru)
Wales Wales Wales Wales Wales.
You have her hair, now use the Palin joke: you can’t put lipstick on a Welsh border collie.
Does the question refer to Wales? Pivot to Wales.
You come from Wales.
None of this stuff they’re talking about matters as much as Wales.
Can I get a shoutout to Owain Glyndwr?
This pointless debate is dragging. Some of us have a non-refundable advance ticket.
Favourite colour: Wales.
Expert analysis: people who can only be voted for by the Welsh will tend to stick to discussing Wales even when the debate is national. Leanne Wood did the smart thing here.
