There’s a lot of things new parents need, but perhaps the most common one is to feel less stress. The WHO reports that a whopping of 19.8% women even experience a mental disorder after childbirth. That’s why it’s important to keep new moms as stress-free as possible.
And this husband did just that. When his MIL came unannounced to stay with them and help, he noticed she was doing more harm than good. To protect his wife’s peace and wellbeing, he decided to pack the MIL’s bags and asked her to leave. After mixed reactions from the family, he decided to ask people online whether what he did was so out of line.
A MIL came to stay with new parents after their baby was born
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
But the husband noticed she was stressing out his wife more than actually helping
Image credits: EyeEm / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Mission_Muffin7467
Living with in-laws contributes to more mental health problems in new mothers
Image credits: teksomolika / Freepik (not the actual photo)
We may think that a grandparent staying during the postpartum period might do new parents some good. But, as this story illustrates, even help from the maternal grandmother might put on more stress than it’s supposed to relieve.
Researchers at Duke University also have found a similar tendency. In a 2014 study, they discovered that married and single mothers living in multigenerational households in the U.S. report higher rates of postpartum depression during the first year of their baby’s life.
It’s even more interesting that unmarried mothers living with one or more grandparents were less likely to develop depression.
Joy Piontak, the leading author of the study, said that the research presents a kind of chicken-and-egg question. Are the mothers more depressed because they require help from grandparents and worry about independence? Or are the relationships with parents and in-laws contributing to their depression?
Still, most new moms would rather their own mothers help them in the first months after the baby is born. Tensions with mothers-in-law tend to be higher than with their own mothers, as one Finnish study has found.
Grandparents can be of great help with a new baby, but they shouldn’t overstep
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
There’s a paradox in the grandparent-parent relationship after the arrival of a new baby. The parents might want advice and help from their experienced parents, but grandparents often overstep boundaries when they do.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Renée Miller argues that there’s a need to understand both sides. She says that often there is no malicious intent behind grandparents being too overbearing.
“Some grandparents want so desperately to help or to forge relationships with their grandchildren,” she explains. “They become over-involved, giving unsolicited advice in their efforts to spare the parents (or themselves) distress.”
“This can feel intrusive for the parents, who – especially in a vulnerable state – can receive grandparents’ actions or advice as criticism of the job they are doing.”
According to Miller, communication is key:
- Don’t make assumptions. This goes both ways. Parents need to ask if grandparents can help. Grandparents, in turn, should inquire if any help or advice is needed.
- No surprises. Miller explains how many of her clients who are new parents appreciate help from their own parents. What they appreciate even more are predictable time commitments. They’d like to know for how long and how often grandparents would like to visit.
- Parents have the final say in parenting decisions. Even if the grandparents have more experience and think they know more about parenting, they need to let the new parents discover their parenting style. “Parents crave respect for their parenting choices,” Miller points out.
The guy’s decision to kick the MIL out was met with overwhelming support: “Husband of the year right there”
One netizen shared a similar story from the past
People also praised the new dad for setting clear boundaries from the get-go
However, some pointed out that kicking the MIL out at night wasn’t very nice
