Well tbqfh I was never *quite* sure about Boris in the cabinet? I was like, Dave, please, you have done Glasto, you KNOW being inside the tent does not mean he will not piss in it, he was like, eeeeuw, can u not? But now he is like soz, my bad, Boris = nightmare, I’m like, do not tell me he has literally been weeing in there, Dave’s like, only a couple of times, I’m like, swearing at everybody then, he’s like, well that was to be expected, it is way worse, he will not stop crying? I’m like, SRSLY? Dave’s like, srsly, when I said Oik would be helming PMQs Boris got properly hysterical, Nicki Morgan was totes drenched lol.
So Mummy is like, darling everyone KNOWS the Johnsons have abnormal tear ducts, literally sluices, it goes with the blonde hair, I’m like, you might have warned us? She’s like, well Willie and I have been tremendously preoccupied with the Mugabe style land-grab, you might tell Dave – I’m like, OMG look at the time, Mrs Obama must almost have finished inspiring schoolgirls in Tower Whatevers, Mummy’s like, with her MOTHER, how marv, you know everyone calls Mrs Obama’s mother the FGOTUS, simply priceless, imagine FGOUK, tho I’m sure I could make time – I’m like, sorry, here she comes now!
Well everything is fine until Nancy gets home, Dave goes, ah here she is back from her TYPICAL BRITISH STATE SCHOOL, Michelle goes hey Nancy, hug?, wow, I am here because of you, the world needs girls like you to tackle the problems of climate change, poverty & disadvantage. Nancy is like, u fckng wot m8, Dad, does she even know we are Conservatives, btw stop hugging me pls I can’t breathe. I’m like, actually I went to art school? Nancy’s like, excuse me, Dad gave up on green crap like one million years ago & we literally heart poverty & disadvantage, tell her Dad. Dave’s like *throws major shade at Nancy*, haha, kind of, Michelle, did I mention SOP, my new Share Our Privilege initiative? Michelle’s like, cool, he’s like, indeed, & Samantha and her mother will be SOP’s Social Mobility Ambassadors, bringing their inspirational stories to deprived youngsters throughout the UK, I’m like *struggles with WTF face*, absolutely!! :(((
As seen by Catherine Bennett
