Can you think of anything worse, more horrendous or terrifying? It’s the middle of the night, you are fast asleep in bed, at home. Suddenly, you are woken by people bursting into the room. Burglars? No, worse, much worse: a film crew, and Michael bloody McIntyre.
He – McIntyre – has got questions to ask you; it’s a quiz. Name three fairground attractions. Who’s this? (A Teletubby walks into the room – the yellow one, Laa-Laa.) Make these bird noises, and this man (Bill Oddie walks in) will guess what they are …
This is what happens to Dean the plumber, set up by his wife Zoe, who is there in the bed, giggling guiltily. It’s called Midnight Game Show, a new element in Michael McIntyre’s Big Show (BBC1, Saturday), which is back for a third series.
The rest is familiar. At the start of the show, Michael bounds on to enthusiastic whooping and applause from the audience, and excitedly squawks out his standup routine. You know, family-friendly, safe, observational, have-you-noticed stuff, today about driving. Specifically windscreen wipers.
We Brits, he says, can adjust to different strengths of rain with our windscreen wipers like nobody else on earth. He demonstrates level-one-speed wipers, waving his arms about. Really Michael, yours come into each other like that? What do you drive, a coach? Then he turns up the speed (plus his own squawk volume), to level two, then level three …
Level THREE? Who has three wiper speeds, as well as intermittent (a whole new seam of comedy, as it happens)? If you are going to do observational, it needs to be recognisable, and true.
Oh, I see. McIntyre drives a £150,000 Ferrari, which probably does have level-three-speed wiping, for when he’s going really fast. And maybe wipers that come into each other. No wonder other comedians hate him. He’s made a load of money out of being bland and annoying.
Next up, an old favourite, Celebrity Send To All. Ed Balls today, who first must get the entire audience up to do Gangnam Style, of course. Which is, undeniably, fun. As is the text that then goes out from the phone of the former shadow chancellor-turned-showbiz-tart, to all his contacts. “Just had a new hot tub delivered. Yvette’s at the party conference. So I’m having a party of my own. Anton Du Beke is here, Delia is doing canapes, and Stormzy’s coming (met him at Glasto, TOP guy). Grab your swimsuit and get down here … Gangnam Style. Best. Ed.”
A good one, no? It’s that Stormzy mention, the Glasto reference, upper-case TOP, that make it. And, later, the replies start to come in, from Yvette, Peter Mandelson, Jeremy Vine and Judge Rinder, among others. My favourite reply is a non-celebrity one, from a councillor in Wakefield called Charlie K. “We’d love to, but just got back from Zakynthos, so me and Gracie are a bit travel weary … We’ll ring you in the week, take care, thanks for the invite.” No questioning of the genuineness of the invitation, just a polite no thanks, Charlie K is a bit tired – for a hot tub party with Stormzy and Delia.
Damn you, McIntyre, I was hating you too, for being wrong about windscreen wipers, and for being bland and rich, squawky and boundy and annoyingly chipper (I like a bit of surreality in an act, and a comedian who doesn’t just hate themself, but also the world). But then he goes and does Celebrity Send To All with Ed Balls, and it’s really funny.
And so it goes on. Emeli Sandé sings a song, I’ve already forgotten it. But then Stella, a cattery owner from Dorset, is Unexpected Star of the Show. She thinks her daughter has brought her to a cat cafe; she just has to go into this photo booth … Oops! The wall falls down, she is live on stage in front of 2,000 people (and Michael bloody McIntyre, of course). Will she sing for them, at the end of the show? Of course she will. She sings a Puccini aria, O Mio Babbino Caro, and it’s lovely, a little bit moving, even.
It’s all about the stunts, Michael McIntyre’s Big Show. They are not even especially original (everyone’s done a phone stunt, right?); they’re just done very well. And the best is the new one, Midnight Game Show. Breaking into someone’s house in the middle of the night for a celebrity quiz – that is original, and bold.
Dean the plumber, who sounds just like Frank Spencer, takes it remarkably well, scoring 100% in the quiz. I think he’s a fan of the comedian. Someone’s going to attack McIntyre, though, aren’t they? Well, it’s a rare opportunity to do so and get away with it.
