Righto. Thanks for your viewership, readership, patronage, The People. Fine win by Kansas City Royals over New York Mets in an entertaining Game One of the 2014 World Series.
I’m Matt Cleary and I’m cooked like a Christmas goose. I’m done. Throw us your thoughts on the Tweets and/or e-mails. And we’ll catch you on the flipside. And bye for now.
Kansas City Royals Win Game One of the 2014 World Series 5-4
Bartolo Colon, he will walk Lorenzo Cain. And load the bases. Surely, now, Kansas City Royals. A pop-fly into the air ... wherever, gets Escobar home. Everybody’s in, bar the outfielders. Ball one. Strike, Eric Hosmer. Into the foul land. The worst kind of land, your foul land. None out. Loaded bases. 1-1. Colon to Hosmer. Boom. Another foul. Stepping into the bucket, Eric. Next pitch: Ball. It’s 2-2. Bartolo Colon, still very cool. Doesn’t look like he’s thinking at all ... HIGH FLY BALL. ESCOBAR IS HOME AND THAT’S THE MATCH IT’S THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS ONE-NIL IN THE BEST OF SEVEN MATCH WORLD SERIES AFTER A GAME THAT WENT LONGER THAN THE DAWN OF TIME ITSELF.
Okay. Bartolo Colon. Swat! Escobar hits it hard into the crowd where a man with a glove makes a fine play. AND ESCOBAR GETS TO FIRST, THIRD INNING IN A ROW THE LEAD OFF MAN HAS MADE IT THERE ... something’s gotta give. Surely. Next up: Ben Zobrist. Strike. 1-1. Zobrist, left-hander. Sees one go by him. BOOM! AND ESCOBAR GOES TO THIRD BASE AFTER ZOBRIST WHACKS ONE LOW TO RIGHT FIELD, AND THE WINNING RUN IS ON THIRD WITH NO OUTS, OH PLEASE MR BABE RUTH, SURELY.
Dan Murphy. He’s batted more times tonight than all post-season. Don’t know if that’s true. It may be. You could blag it before the Internet, tell people it’s fact. Today, you cannot. And Murphy is out. Chris Young has outed them. Outed them all.
BOOM! WRIGHT! Oh - just short of outta there. He liked it. And then he didn’t.
Right. Chris Young, six feet ten inches tall. Curtis Granderson. Grounds out. One out.
Oh! Fly ball by Sal Perez. And here’s Alex Gordon. Match tying homer man in the ninth. Colon, cool customer. Looks like he should be pouring beers at your local. He’s out here, 42, barely sweating. Moustakes gets to second. But there’s two out. Can Paulo Orlando Bloom bat our man in? Bartolo Colon says no. And to the 14th inning we go. It’s 4pm in Sydney. We began this odyssey six hours ago. Fingers turning into those of embittered crone’s.
On the mound, the round Bartoli Colon, flinging it at Mike “Mike Dukakis” Moustakas ... who fouls away for a strike. Then there’s a strike. It’s 1-2. BOOM! AND MOUSTAKES GETS A BASE HIT, AND THERE’S THE WINNING AND GAME-FINALLY-ENDING RUN on first base.
Right. There’s a new man at bat, Kirk Nieuwenheis which is the first spelling of his name, there would be many. Regardless, he’s out. Popped into foul territory where Mike “Loves A Souvlaki” Moustakas takes an easy catch. We’re middle of the thirteenth damned inning. How long can it go? Serious question, MLB People. When the sun comes up? On Saturday?
Six ten! Chris Young... WILMER FLORES! WHACK! OH - HE GOT ALL OF IT, BUT it’s a foul. Then there is a ball. Then there is a strike by way of foul ball. It is 1-2. Two out. And ... foul. And .... Oh - Flores hit that well, too. But just out, foul, left. And ... foul into the sky. And the crowd. And ... oh - 2-2. Young just missed a strike there. Okay - another ball. Full count. Foul ball. Ball ... ball. And Flores walks to first.
Juan Lagares. Strike one. Juan Lagares. Ball one. Juan Lagares. Ball two. Juan Lagares. Strike two. Juan Lagares. Strike three, and you are out, Juan Lagares.
Chris Young. A long man. He’s hurling them at Travis “You Won’t be Bored” D’Arnaud. Longest ever World Series opener, say men. People have had enough now. World Series or not. D’Arnaud, put to the sword. One out. He chopped it to short stop who flung him out on first.
Okay - Colon to Dyson. Ball one. Holds up on a high one. Crowd getting jiggy. Foul ball, a strike. Too close to him. Colon now, a chunky man. It’s 2-1. Bartolo Colon. Forty two years old. Man’s arm must be made of the finest titanium. Bottom of the 12th. 2-2. Loaded bases. Two out. Fly ball. No problem for Juan Lagares. We’re going to 13 innings. Mercy law for live bloggers? This game has been going since 1978.
And they’re going to walk Hosmer too and load the bases. And give Jarrod Dyson the chance to grandslam this 12 inning marathon game into history.
BUNT! Alcides Escobar, he gets the winning run to second base by sacrificing himself. And ... oh here we go. Intentional walk of Zobrist. And there he goes, off to first base. Seems ... I dunno. But here comes Lorenzo “Sugar” Cain. And he has two men on base. And there’s one out. Interesting tactic. Colon ... throws a high one. Then another high one. But it goes to first. BUT THERE’S TWO MEN ON BASE STILL, ONE OF THEM ON THIRD BASE. And here comes Eric Hosmer.
Okay - Paulo Orlando ... hacks it, GETS TO FIRST BASE.
Ha! IT’S FRED FLINSTONE! BARTOLO COLON! IF YOU SAW HIM AT THE GYM YOU’D THINK WORK TO DO CHAMPION, BUT here he is, Bartolo Colon, on the mound for the New York Mets. And good luck to him. He’s 42 years old! This is the greatest thing to happen in baseball.
Lucas Duda now. Facing Chris Young. It’s like two basketballers, Luc Longley and Shaquille O’Neal, playing baseball. Not really. But they’re tall human beings. Top of the 12th. And it’s 3-2 with two out. And the KC Crowd get jiggy. The 3-2 ... slider ... got some bat on it. Foul. Young. STRIKES HIM OUT, BIG CHRIS YOUNG, AND THE PEOPLE ACCLAIM THEIR LATEST CHAMPION. And Kansas can win Game One, we are middle of the 12th.
Here he is, Yoenis Cespedes. Swinging hard. Never known a man called Yoenis, or Cespedes. Never been to Cuba, would be a reason. Lot of baseball players there in Cuba. Lot of boxers. Lovely old cars. Silly system of political governance. And Chris Young strikes out Cespedes, who swung at the sweet fruits but missed.
Okay. Top of the 12th. Dan Murphy, more home runs in the post-season than everybody bar Bazza Bonds, and a couple others. He faces a very tall man, Chris Young. Both clubs have many pitchers. There must be thirty each. It’s 4-all. Young throws it into the dirt. It’s 2-2. Wow! ball in the dirt, through the catcher’s legs, ball off the wall, back to Perez, lucky, and he’s run out at first. Luck going Royals way.
Niese. To Gordon. There are two outs. And one man on first base. Bottom of 11th. Gordon can win it here. Win it with a vengeance. Niese, he’s been good. Crafty. And speedy. Crafty and speedy. The way I like my women. Niese, now. He slings it across Gordon, can’t entice the batter. STRIKE! NIESE MAKES FLASH GORDON MISS AND WE ARE GOING TO 12 INNINGS. A LOT.
Mike Moustakas ... cannot add to his greatest hits. Next up: Sal Perez. He faces Jon “Peace In The Middle East” Niese. Big men, big game. AND PEREZ REACHES FIRST BASE WITH A WHACK LEFT THAT HIT THIRD BASE AND POPPED ABOUT AND ... luck there for the home town KC Royals. They’ll take it. And the Learned Men meet on the mound to talk Flash Gordon, homer man in the ninth.
OH! BOOM! CURTIS ANGRY GRANDERSON FROM THE FIRST PITCH ... IT WAS GONE FOR A TRIPLE BUT GRANDERSON REACHED UP AND TOOK A CRACKING CATCH. Had some action this game. Jarrod Dyson whacked Niese hard and long, and Granderson ... some play.
And many man gather on the mound. Covering their mouths lest their cunning plans be lip-read by special lip-reading experts in the crowd. Here’s David Wright at bat. Two men on base. Two out. Ryan Madson hurling white rocks at him. A homer here would be handy. Dan Murphy’s in next. Bases loaded with Murphy coming in... there’s serendipity in that. Could be the word. Probably isn’t. Here’s Madson ... strike! Big swing by Wright. There to be hit, just could not. 2-2, two out, two on base.... FOUL BALL. 97 mph. That, the People, is moving. Madson again, winds up ... and ... FOUL BALL. Next one ... Madson ... Wright ... Angry Granderson on first ... and ... FOUL BALL. Wow. Madson, now ... a huge man ... he ... STRIKES HIM OUT! FINE PITCHING RYAN MADSON AND THE KC AND THE SUNSHINE CROWD SALUTE HIM.
Okay - Granderson, facing Madson. 11th innings, top of it. Man on second. Everyone’s playing it cool. But there’s seething, and very real human emotion on show here. Oh! Madson! His pitch causes Angry Granderson to fall over. BENCHES CLEAR! no they don’t. Ha. Granderson gets up. And watches a ball go by him. And then another one. And he earns a walk to first base.
Michael Cuddyer, pinch hitting for a designated hitter, if you were new to the game you’d be overloaded by terms, you’d think they were making them up. Big Madson hurls one past him. Strike. 0-2. Ball. 1-2. Madson has the wingspan of a condor. And he strikes out Cuddyer with a ball that drops like a potplant falling off a retaining well. And there’s a many man confab on the mound. Strike him out, would be the gist of it. Here’s Angry Granderson.
Okay. Royals put on another pitcher. Ryan Madson. To Juan Lagares. He’s bunted. A good one. Tricky one. Big Madson, he wouldn’t move like Usain Bolt. He’d move more like a giant block of flats. And Lagares snuck off to first base. And here’s Wilmore Flores whose attempt at a beard extends to a tiny tuft of hair on an otherwise baby-bum pure jaw region. He bunts. He gets Lagares to second base though.
Niese, to Hosmer. And he is struck out. Fine pitching, Niese Man. They go deep these bull pens. And we’ll go to an 11th inning.
Jon Niese. Born the day the Mets won the World Series in 1986. Now pitching for them. You could’ve got good odds from William Hill about it. He’s hurling them now at Lorenzo “Sugar” Cain who can’t get the bat on three pitches despite swinging at them like a sugar-mad kid on a massive pinata.
Mets change their pitcher again, there’s no more patience for Familia, it’s Niese versus Zobrist, who’s had a happy game.
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Strike! Duda’s gone, he tries to hit a low one to Cincinatti but misses. And here cometh Travis “Nauru is an Island Made of Guano” D’Arnaud, ha, he’s facing Wade “Crash” Davis who’s looking pretty tasty there on the mound, tight little beard like the ghost in The Ghost & Mrs Muir. Sort of nautical. Even jaunty. He throws a 95 mph strike that D’Arnaud can barely see let alone hit with a four foot bit of wood. STRIKE! DAVIS HAS STRUCK OUT ANOTHER ONE, AND HERE COME THE KC ROYALS, AND THE ROYALS ... HERE COME THE ROYALS. FINE PITCHING FROM CRASH DAVIS, HIS HEAT HAS BEEN TOO HOT FOR THE METS WHO’VE JUST NOW STARTED TO LOOK A LITTLE FREAKED OUT AFTER GIVING AN AIR OF PROFESSIONAL SMARTS AND TOUGHNESS. Something. But they’re looking very human against the smokin heat of Crash Davis, ace closer from the Kansas City Royals.
Here’s Lucas Duda. Must be 6-5. He’s swinging like a well-oiled gate but missing. 1-2. Now 2-2. One out. None on base. 4-all the score. Foul ball out to Batman.
Right. Tenth inning. Is there a 14th inning stretch? We may never know. We do know the Royals have their 24th pitcher of the evening, it’s Wade Davis hurling them at Yoenis Cespedes. Lotta vowels. Lotta game. He swings and misses and walks the walk back to the dugout, lonely as a cloud.
Familia, he came out looking like Robocop, all cold, dead eyes and destruction. And Flash Gordon’s flogged him out of the park and he looks now like a man, with human frailty. As Tony Montana said to Manny when talking about the other mob guy’s wife, the eyes Chico, they never lie. And we are going to extra innings.
Flash Gordon, Alex Gordon, he’s monstered Big Jeurys Familia, a huge tonk over centre field, you are outta there. Wow. And it’s 4-all.
HOME RUN! Alex Gordon. New York Mets 4 Kansas City Royals 4
Familia .. IS SMASHED OVER THE CENTRE FIELD FENCE FOR THE GAME-TYING RUN IN THE NINTH INNING AND THE KANSAS CITY CROWD GO STONE BERKO! HE’S TIED IT UP! BOOM!
Righto, The People! The great Sal Perez is on the plate, over the plate, batting up to a giant pitching man called Jeurys Familia, who’s hurling in the heat. Perez whacks him to short stop. And is out.
Okay - David Wright. Right hander. Whack - base hit to left field. Low. And here’s Daniel “Daniel Murphy” Murphy. WRIGHT STEALS SECOND. No outs. Mets are smokin here, looking like they own it. There’s a Review ... you can do that. And OVERTURNED! Wow. Wright caught stealing. Arrested. He’s out. Close. It went to pixels. And out. And then Murphy is out. And that’s three out. And the Royals have three outs to stay in or even win this fixture. But it must happen now, they are down 4-3.
Another pitcher! How many are there? Here’s Luke Hochevar for the Royals. He’s on the mound and pinging them at Angry Granderson. Ha. That would be funny if you knew the little man. Where are we. Hochevar ... hurls it at Granderson who pop-flies to left field. Out.
Pinch runner! And a closer. Jeurys Familia, you couldn’t make that name up. He pitches once. And wins an Out. And goes off. Ha. And that’s the innings. Mets will have a bat. Then the Royals. And if they don’t score a run or two, that’ll be it.
Righto. Bad Beard Morales, lets another one go and gets to walk to first base. And ... ha. That’s the end of Clippard. They rotate poor old pitchers, they care not for their feelings.
STRIKE OUT! CLIPPARD THROWS THE HEATER HIGH AND HOSMER IS OUTTA THERE. IT’S BEEN GOOD CLOSING HERE FROM CLIP ART. AND here’s Kendrys Morales, he of the Evil Beard of Ironman. He faces Clippard. Left-handed. He whacks one, foul to left. Terrible beard. An abomination. He flings one low into the dirt. Ball replaced. Apparently they do every time a ball hits the ground. Must go through a few. He’s Morales ... he ... watches a fast one go past his eyes. Shaggy has an arm on him, and no argument. The catcher comes out, Travis “Mighty Medieval Broad Sword” D’Arnaud, has a yarn with Clippard. And Morles waits. AND THE BALL IS FREE AND ZOBRIST GETS TO THIRD, A WILD PITCH, TOO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT
Okay - Clippard is tricking the Royals batters, there’s a change-up, his arms and legs indicated a very fast one but the ball dropped like a stone of a little stone wall.
Another pitcher! It’s Tyler “Clip Art” Clippard, the Mets have had seven pitchers tonight. Not that many. But old mate Clippard is hurling them at Lorenzo “Everlastin’ Pain” Cain who can but strike out. Shades of Shaggy from Scooby Do about our man Clippard, but he can pitch and fast. One out.
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AND THAT’S A GOOD START, ZOBRIST HAS WHACKED A DOUBLE-BAGGER TO RIGHT FIELD AND THE RIGHT FIELDER FELL OVER AND THERE’S A MAN ON SECOND BASE IT IS BOUNCING BENNY ZOBRIST.
Okay! It is GO TIME NOW FOR THE ROYALS OF KANSAS CITY, THEIR LINEUP OF BATTERS MUST DELIVER IN THE NEXT SIX OUTS.
Right. Here’s Michael “On Fire” Cuddyer, he’s facing Herrera, who’s one of many pitchers the Royals can call on. Ball whacks into the batters ankle off the bat, he hops about, it didn’t feel good. Next: he’s out. It’s Mets by 1. One Innings to go. All or nowt for the Royals this at-bat.
Mets score! Lagares batted in. New York Mets 4 Kansas City Royals 3.
Large meeting of men on the mound. Never bodes well for a pitcher with so many men out there talking about you and to you. Probably think they’re being supportive but it would undermine man to think, I am the man and now these men think otherwise. Okay! And here we go, Tryin To Scareya Herrera. LAGARES STEALS SECOND ... HE DOES. THROW GOT THERE BUT NOT IN TIME, UMPIRE WAVES HIM SAFE. It’s 2-0. Two out. Wilmer Flores at bat. I’d change my name the folks called me Wilmer. STRIKE. I Dare Ya Herrera, IS WHACKED TO FIRST AND THE BALL BOUNCES UP FROM HOSMER AND LAGARES IS BATTED IN
Okay, here’s Lagares. Another bloke who’s just turned up. Hasn’t done anything yet. Just this, at bat. Juan Lagares. It’s top of the eighth. 2-2. And two out. Crucial juncture, one would warrant. Every pitch counts, all that. Fans waving socks in the air. Kelvin “Not Yogi Berra” Herrera flinging 95 mph hot rocks from space, bad seeds, scary seeds. But Juan Lagares gets enough bat on a high one and gets himself to first base. He was there nine pitches, a lot.
Here he is Travis D’Arnaud ... BOOM! IT’S UP AND ... he’s out.
Paulo Orlando, a new man, in the outfield. You can just swap guys over, it seems. Here’s Herrera the Terror. He’s pitching to Big Duda. It’s 3-1. He takes a huge rip at it and it’s 3-2. Just a little inside. It was going if he’d hit it but he did not. Royals fans up and getting jiggy. STRIKE! THE DUDA MAN TAKES A BIG RIP AT IT AND IT’S goodbye for now, Duda Bro.
Okay - WHACK ... Escobar hits it higher than the super moon of Tattooine, and that’s the innings.
Okay, Alex Rios, a huge man in white pants because he’s on the home team and the home team wear white pants and not grey ones like the other team, it’s a Thing I just learned, he whacks it high and almost out but not, and he’s out. Here’s Alcides Escobar.
Okay! Ball shoots past Gordon’s elbow. Coaching staff get on the bat phone to see if it skimmed his elbow, it did not. Harvey’s been brushed from the mound. Replaced by Addison Reed. He hurls one into Addison avenue (ha) and it’s ripped up guts, but out. And that’s the end of Flash Gordon for now.
Murphy, now, facing the heat of Herrera. WHACK - BASE HIT. Down the guts. He gets to first. Wright goes to second. And here’s ... Cespedes, facing Hell Man Herrera. Foul ball. Whacked into the umpire. Straight into the mush. He’s not wearing the face mask there’s a baseball embedded in him. Deep in him, a hole like a small meteor would make. Uncomfortable stuff. Here’s Cespedes, he bends low to whack it but the ball flies out to left field and is pouched easily, and two men stay on their bases and that’s the innings. Seventh innings stretch time, a funny thing where they root, root, root for the home team, which like that game called Corn Hole they have in Tailgate Parties has quite different connotation in the island nation state of Australia.
Okay. Kelvin “Terror of the Terra” Herrerra, he’s come on to replace Danny Duffy, who threw maybe 12 pitchs, a tactic. David Wright is unfazed, however, and grounds one through left field low, and gets to first base where he has a yarn with the man there, which is nice. Here’s Murphy!
Here is Curtis Granderson, he’s hit a homer tonight. He faces Danny Boy Duffy. It’s 3-0. One out. Nobody on base. And it’s 3-1. Next: high, very high. But out, just the same. And ... they call come in to congratulate Danny Duffy ... because that’s all the pitching he’s allowed to do this evening, apparently, he’s like a little mid-innings closer, put in before the real closer comes in to make like Wild Thing in Bull Durham, throwing heaters, and flaming balls of hate.
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New pitcher, the Royals. There’s nothing of him, he’s in proportion but like a miniature pony. Normally they’re great big beasts, pitchers. This fellow is like a normal person, plucked out of Batman suit in the crowd and given the ball and told, throw this thing at that man there. My but I can go on. Don’t even know his name. Danny Duffy, says the TV man. He’s throwing to Michael Cuddyer, who’s just sort of turned up himself. Where’s this bloke been? He’s done nothing all game. AND HE’S OUT, STRUCK OUT, DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A SWING AT IT, HE IS OUT OF THERE BUBBA.
Okay. Harvey. HE’S BELTED HIGH AND LONG ... AND NEARLY LONG ENOUGH. but not. And you’d suggest Boomer Harvey is close to flinging his last hot rock on this chill evening in Kansas City.
Royals score! Cain batted in. New York Mets 3 Kansas City Royals 3
Okay, No Mistakes Moustakes. Runner on second. He’s seen off two balls with judicious ball-watching. Royals crowd, big urging, Let’s go Royals. Pitcher pings to second to try and catch Good Oil out. Nearly. Slick ball, ball men. Okay - Harvey. MOUSTAKES! LINE DRIVE TO THE MIDDLE AND THE BIG MAN MY MAN, BIG MIKE MOUSTAKES HE’S BATTED IN LORENZO CAIN AND GOT HIMSELF TO FIRST BASE, TOP STUFF. TIED UP HERE IN KANSAS CITY. TIED UP.
Matt Harvey to Kendrys Morales, flat out worst beard you’ll see this evening, a beard that Ironman would have if Ironman grew a beard, an unholy thing. Here’s Harvey. Arm hanging out of his shoulder socket, hanging in with spit and gum, like in Bull Durham, the old wise pitcher. STEAL! CAIN! Lorenzo “Good Oil” Cain, he’s on second base. And here’s Big Mike Moustakes. I like him.
Royals score! Zobrist batted in. New York Mets 3 Kansas City Royals 2
Eric Hosmer, he’s batted in a lot of men, it’s said by Learned Men, by scholars. He faces Harvey. 7o pitches. Human arms aren’t meant to do this. WHACK! HIGH TO MIDDLE AND HOSMER IS OUT BUT THERE’S A RUNNER BATTED IN AND IT’S A ONE RUN GAME.
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Here’s Lorenzo Cain, WHACK! HE SMACKS A LOW ONE TO RIGHT FIELD AND ZOBRIST IS ON THIRD BASE, AND THAT MEANS THERE ARE TWO MEN ON BASES, AND THEY’RE A-COMING THE ROYALS, THEY ARE A-COMIN. None out. And the Mets warm up a new pitcher, a chubby man, look of Fred Flintstone about him.
Okay. Zobrist! LINE DRIVE TO RIGHT FIELD, LOW AND GOOD, HE’S GOT A LEAD OFF DOUBLE BASER, the ball stayed just inside the line before the first base and he almost got three bases, but was happy with the double-bagger.
Okay. The Royals, you’d suggest they need some runs here. Need to get into this pitcher as the Mets are getting into their own. Murphy’s been erratic on occasion but there’s been very little to hit apart from his first pitch that went for a home run that didn’t even leave the field of play, you don’t see it often.
WHACK! MOUSTAKES! WHAT A PLAY, THE GREAT MOO MOUSTAKES, NO MISTAKES, THE BALL WAS HIT HARD AND THE THIRD BASEMAN DIVED AND GOT IT AND THREW THE THING HARD TO FIRST, GREAT STUFF THE MOO-MAN, GREAT STUFF.
Mets score! Cespedes batted in. New York Mets 3 Kansas City 1
And the Great Conforto! Michael Conforto. BOOM! But straight up! AND CESPEDES RUNS IN FROM THIRD BASE AND GETS THERE AHEAD OF THE THROW, AND YOU’D SUGGEST OUR pitcher’s about to pitch his last.
Here’s Edinson, against Travis “Ran With Bulls At Pamplona But Never Been Gored” D’Arnaud. He’s facing Volquez whose arm is about to fall off. It’s 2-2. He just left one, it was close. Crucial juncture here. Volquez, to D’Arnaud. WHACK... almost fell over he swung so hard, but a foul ball. Crowd into it. None out. Get one out, Edinson, they implore. GOT HIM, YES. FINE PITCHING. THE HEATER, IT CAME IN TOO FAST FOR D’ARNAUD, who is given out by the umpire in emphatic, amusing fashion.
Strike! The second one, a dropping fast one, the breaking ball, one assumes, because it looked like it was up but it was not. Big Dudas on deck. Volquez to Dudas. BASE HIT! WHACK! DUDAS GETS HIMSELF TO FIRST AND CESPEDES GOES TO THIRD WITH A GROUND BALL... And there’s men on first and third base, no-one out. And there’s a huge many-man confab in the middle as the Royals decide do we stick with this pitcher? One would suggest we do not. There’s nobody out. It would be a factor.
Right! Where are we? Top of the sixth innings and the Mets lead 2-1. Here’s Cespedes, another from the heartburn product range. Or maybe something tropical, like a heat rash. HE WHACKS IT LOW TO LEFT FIELD AND GETS HIMSELF ON BASE, AND HERE COMES BIG DUDAS, there’s a lot of him.
Okay. Here’s Escobar. He aimed up to bunt first go. First name Alcides. Sounds like a balm for indigestion. He ... whacks it low... but is picked off, fine play by the short stop who slung it to first base JUST as the runner got there, it was very close but the first base umpire punched an imaginary dwarf in the face to signal, you’re outta there.
Alex Rios ... BOOM! MIDDLED IT ... BUT IT’S too high. And Flores takes it after it comes down from the moon.
Right. Where are we. Bottom of the fifth. Matt Harvey to Alex Gordon. Mets by one. He’s thrown 57 pitches, our Boomer. Gordon whacks one out to foul land. Next: Strike. A strike out. Bye for now, Gordo.
And here’s Daniel “Guitar” Murphy. Man of La Mancha. And home runs. But not this time. It’s 2-1 the Mets.
HOME RUN. Curtis Granderson. New York Mets 2 Kansas City Royals 1
Okay! We’ve had four innings. It’s 1-all. Volquez and Harvey, neither’s been really owned by these whackers. Here’s Designated Hitter Kelly Johnson. He leaves one and swings at another. Result is 1-1. Volquez has thrown 53 pitches, the most recent one going at 93 mph. That’s hot action, baby. It’s 2-2. And ... Johnson whacks one to short stop thereabouts and Escobar gets his man, just. There was some “English” on the ball according to the talking heads. Means a squirrelly one, one would surmise. Here’s Curtis “Canyonson” Granderson. Ha. That’s terrible. He faces Volquez. He’s left-handed. There are more and more of these people. It’s 1-2. One out. WHACK! HOMER! HOMER! GRANDERSON SMASHES IT TO RIGHT FIELD LOW AND FLAT AND ANGRY AND GOOOOONE. I should make this a Key Event.
Here’s Sal Perez, sore thumb. He’s a massive thing ... OH! LINE DRIVE BY PEREZ STRAIGHT AT DAVID WRIGHT WHO LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND POCKETS A HOT POTATO. WOO - THAT THING WAS FLYING, FLAT AND ANGRY, AND WRIGHT LEAPT AND POUCHED IT. TIP TOP STUFF. and that’s the end of the inning(s).
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Okay. One-all in the World Series, Game One thereof. It’s 1-all. There’s one out. And the game stops because the TV went off. That’s nice. Okay here’s Mike “No Mistakes” Moustakes. Another Evil Beard. Not as evil as Morales. But evil, man. Evil. He whacks one high and slicing and long and out into the crowd, where resides Batman. Moustakes, now, the crowd “Moo” when he does stuff, like they boo Boo Weekley. And Luke Donald. And Colin Montgomerie. Ha. Silly man. Okay! Harvey throws a half-tracker into the dirt. It’s 1-2. WHACK! MOUSTAKES GETS ALL OF IT BUT IT’S FLAT AND HARD AND straight at the right field ... man. Him.
Okay! Kendrys Morales of Cuba, he faces Matt Harvey. Who’s slinging them in, hard and wild, like Barack Obama after a week with Bear Grylls. Ha. Something. Strike! Three and you’re out, champion. Coach of the Mets rushes out. Talks to the umpire to confirm the ruling. Umpire says, yes, after three strikes, you’re out. It’s a rule. Been one a while. And coach says, Really? And the umpire says, Yes. Three strikes, and you’re out. And coach says, Not four? And the umpire says, No. Three strikes. You’re out. Now back in your box, you pelican.
Okay, Royals catcher Sal Perez cops a ball on his non-glove hand, it would have hurt quite a lot. There’s a break while they check him out. It’s 1-1 to Flores. Whack, low to short stop, who slings it to second base and that’s all that’s required. One-all here in the World Series of Baseball Game One from Kansas where Dorothy wanted to get back to and escape a witch’s monkeys. Someone said the coach is a witch. Ned Yost. Top handle.
Michael Conforto, now. Runners on first and second. And “Moo” Moustakas takes a high ball near his third base. That’s the second out. Here’s ... Ha. Wilmer Flore, who’s sporting a beard best described as a tiny bit of hair right on the point of his chin. Rest of his face is completely nude, like the buttocks of baby Jesus. And there on his chin, ha ... oh my. It’s the head of a badger poking its head out the hide. Ha. What’s doing, Mets? Is there a bet?
Here’s Travis “Great Thumping Gourd” D’Arnaud - WHACK! STRAIGHT TO MOUSTAKAS BUT THE MOO MAN CAN’T HANG ON AND GUITAR MURPHY RUNS AROUND FOR THE TYING RUN, IT’S 1-ALL HERE AT ... WHEREVER WE ARE IN KANSAS CITY, AND there are still two men on bases. He got a hold of that, Moustakas. But couldn’t hang on. And here’s The Great Conforto.
Rightio! Edinson Volquez to Daniel “Super Murph” Murphy, he’s whacked a thousand homers this post-season, set records. He gets two more he beats Barry Bonds who has eight. A lot. He’s having a yarn with the first base man. That’s nice. Next up: pop to nowhere good. And out. Here’s Lucas Duda, going with the mid-chin Ragnar Loethbrok style of beard action. It’s like a competition for Worst Gob. A huge man, Duda, big levers. He’s 1-1. There’s one out. His team is down by one. Whack! Duda shoots one low hard to right field, bouncing, and Murphy runs all the way to third. Duda hangs out on first. Good times.
Okay. One-blot, the Royals. Here’s Lorenzo “The Oil” Cain. He pops one out to the foul area where it’s taken. Matt Harvey, slinging in the hot rocks, the white heat, the speedy pingers. Nothing pretty about his beard, it’s a growth gone bad. He’s thrown 37 pitches. Now 38. He’s flinging them at ... Batman in the crowd! ... Eric Hosmer. Our Ecka’s throwing the bat it, ball shooting off at thin tangents. it’s 2-2, as another one shoots out into the crowd, protected from tyranny by Batman. Hosmer! Whacks it. But ... can’t make first base. And that’s the end of this particular section.
Okay, David Wright. Ordinary name, fine batter. A right-hander. He’s facing Volquez. Who’s giving him respect by throwing low ones at him. Nothing in the slot. Fans clapping their man. Goes wide again, but this is a strike. A change-up. The old change-up. Tricky stuff, Edinson. Two out. Two on base. Volquez throws it into the dirt. Next: Strike, a fast one, high and Wright liked the look of it, it was there to be hit but he did not. Okay - 2-2. Two on base. Two out. And: STRIKE THREE AND YOU’RE OUT, WRIGHT, BROTHER. YOU ARE OUTTA THERE.
Okay, Curtis Granderson. Volquez is hurling the heat at him. Going across the left hander. Wide. Margin for error small, but not that small. It’s 3-0. One-nil Royals. Two out. Thirty years since one of these guys won the World Series. And there’s ball four. And there’s two guys on base who didn’t have to hit the ball to get there.
Volquez, slinging it in. Wilmer Flores on deck. Whack! Line drive to left field ... But Alex Gordon makes a tidy sliding catch, scooting along on his thigh and then buttocks. Nicely done, Golden Glove Man. Volquez, two out. Here’s Kelly Johnson, a Designated Hitter, a specialist. He’s given up two strikes, let them go. One job, Jonno! One designated job. He swings at the 0-2 pitch and shoots it into foul land. Next: Whacks him low on the leg! CLEAR THE BENCHES! FIGHT! ... No. Johnson walks off to first, a place his batsmanship didn’t particularly warrant.
Okay, where are we. In Kansas City. Volquez to Michael Conforto. The Great Conforto, he may be called. Edinson Valquez, bit of bling round the neck. Shirt open. He could be watching the game on the couch with a beer. He throws one ... it’s whacked to the first base man who tosses it to Volquez who runs over and makes the out. Good play, Royals.
Okay, Alex Rios, there’s two guys on base. HE SMASHES ONE .... BUT IT’S HIGH and not long enough and Cespedes makes no mistake. Unlike first pitch of the innings in which he did make a mistake, a poor one that led to a homer. Okay - here’s Escobar, the man who whacked that all-run home run. First up: Slider? Dunno. Wasn’t his fastest, because his fast one is the straight one. And straight is bad. Can be bad. Okay! Rios, 1-1 ... 2 out and 2 on base. Murphy, he’s all over the shop. Strike! A curving bit of kit that Rios liked the look of. And then did not. Next: Grounder. Easily covered by Wright, he slings it to first. And that’s ... that’s it, the end of the story at this particular juncture.
Alex Gordon now. Another of the bad beard brigade. Not as bad as old mate Morales, that thing is hideous. Even evil. But Gordon’s jaw-beast, it’s fluffier. But you aren’t making people think, Cool beard, Champion.
Regardless, he’s seen off three balls and no strikes. Then he whacks at one, and it goes to foul territory, low and ragged. There’s been 23 pitches by Boomer. His 24th is wide and silly, and Bad Beard gets to first base.
Okay. Royals at bat. Matt “Guitar” Murphy. I mean Harvey, to pitch. He’s slinging them in, fast and high. And wins an out, pop fly. Salvador Peres in next. There’s a lot of him, big levers. He’s a huge big yin. And ... whack, he drives one over Super Dan’s head, and the ball scoots out to right field and he’s on base, the big man.
Lucas Duda, a huge man, he whacks one hard, but it goes nowhere good. And he’s out at first base after some simple fielding by Kansas men. Here’s Travis “Live By The Sword” D’Arnaud. He ... pops one to short right field and is Out. One-blot, Royals.
Okay, top of the second innings of nine or however many they need after that to get this thing done. Royals are up one-nil after our man Cespedes messed up in centre field and gifted KC a home run all run. He’s out there batting now though, and he whacks one low and out of the field of play. Next one he gets the bottom of the bat on it to short field, and Moustakes - whom fans “Moooo” at - pings it to first base for an out.
Terrible beard on Morales, an Abe Lincoln one with a square bit chopped out of it for his mouth region. It’s a frightening thing, a bad wombat, a cling-on. But he’s got himself to 3 balls and a strike against Matt “Boomer” Harvey ... but can’t go on with it. He’s out of there. And it’s 1-blot, Royals, after one innings each.
Updated
Pitcher Boomer Harvey gets another two batters out with catches by our man Cespedes out there in the middle. Nowhere to hide. Actually there probably is, like a hole there where groundskeepers keep stuff. You could probably open a door and climb in. But it would create something of an incident. Okay! Matt Harvey, he walks Hosmer. And here’s Kendrys Morales.
Cespedes, the centre fielder, he tried a tricky one, a backhanded catch. The ball bounced off his thigh and there you go. Home run. Ha. Good times.
Ha. The outfielders, there ... one tried to back to backhand it. And another ... threw it someone else. And our man Escobar he just ran and ran and kept on running, the base umpires pumping their arms like windmills on the tear ... ha. First pitch, first hit, and there you go. Boom.
Okay, Alcides Escobar first up AND HE SMASHES IT DOWN THE GUTS LONG AND THE METS OUTFIELDERS STUFF ABOUT AND CAN’T CATCH IT AND THEY ... WHAT ARE THEY DOING! ESCOBAR JUST KEEPS RUNNING AND RUNNING AND HE’S RUN ALL THE WAY, IT’S A HOMER!
Volquez shoots one high past Murphy, across his chest area. Strike. Breaking ball? A diving one, and it’s a ball, it dipped low past his knees. It was close. Next: Inside and fast, and Murphy shoulders arms. That was moving. Wow. Rib-crusher. Murphy, a left-hander, it’s a wonder these people can operate. Volquez shoots a low curver past his knees, and ... strike. And it’s 2-2 ... and STRIKE! Super Murph can’t get any bat on a breaking ball, I think it was, because it dropped like a stone. Middle of the first in game one of this storied seven-prong super series.
A hit! No, a pop-fly to left field, or right-field, out there in the field, the left-hander hit it and the ball flew out there where it was easily pouched by the outfielder. Here’s David Wright, and Volquez shoots a couple of balls and a strike by him. Curve balls and fast ones, you wouldn’t want to face him in the nude, this much is certain. Edinson, fly ball, foul....? No - out. Volquez has two out, and here comes Dan Murphy, the Hot One.
Okay. Six umpires gathered around home plate. And here come the Royals, taking the field. Chilly night, and still. No rain, which is good, for it was feared otherwise. Big crowd in, chock-a-block as you would expect. Mets will lead off with Curtis Ganderson, and he will face the hot rocks of No.36 Edinson Volquez, and it’s ... a strike. And we are away.
Well - super-fine rendition of the Anthem by Andy Grammer, the kid has a pair of pipes. Giant flag furled. And we’re moments from First Pitch.
Both teams are lined up on the diamond now, and they’re introducing Ned Yost who “is a witch”, according to a man from Sports Illustrated, and good luck to him. Other players being announced, jogging out and rapping knuckles with compadres. People in the crowd waving socks in the air. Mike Moustakas is introduced to boos which are moos, like they do with Boo Weekley in the golf. People dancing about. Both pitchers warming up their bull-pens. Coloured water shooting into the air from special fountains. And here cometh the national anthem by the pop sensation, Andy Grammer.
Greetings, The People, and welcome to Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City in the great state of Missouri where Kansas City Royals will play New York Mets in Game One of the 2015 World Series of Baseball. And like dear sweet Ron Burgundy from the crackerjack film Anchorman, it is kind of a big deal.
The Mets won through to this storied, seven-prong super-series on the strength of second baseman Dan Murphy - also the name of a string of Australian bottle shops - who hit 6 home runs in six games, four against Chicago Cubs, a fine achievement, a notable statistic.
The Royals, meanwhile, beat Toronto Blue Jays and won a pennant for topping the American League. Sports Illustrated man Joe Sheehan is tipping them to win in seven games here “because Ned Yost is a witch”. Make of that what you will.
Royals won the World Series in 1985 and the Mets did in 1986. This year it was meant to be Chicago Cubs according to Stephen Spielberg and his Back To The Future trilogy, and there are no hover-boards, instant microwaved roast dinners or being fired by fax machine either.
Make of that what you will, also.
Okay! Not long now until we see the Ceremonial First Pitch by KC Royals legend George Brett, while Andy Grammer - singer-songwriter of the smash hits “Fine by Me” and “Honey, I’m Good”, things I just learned on the Internet - will belt out the crackerjack anthem of these United States of America.
Righto. I’m Matt Cleary, the fast-twitching finger guy, keyboard jockey and colour man calling the fixture from a couch in Allambie Heights on the northern beaches of Sydney. Drop me a line via email or the Twitters. And let’s get ready to rumble.
Matt will be here shortly. In the meantime, have a look at who our writers will be crowned World Series champions:
