INTRODUCING, DEPENDING ON HOW THE SEASON PANS OUT, THE NEW LUIS SUÁREZ OR THE POOR MAN’S MEMPHIS DEPAY
Ever since Luis Suárez left for Barcelona to become one of the world’s most beloved footballers (subs please check), it’s been said that Liverpool desperately need to make a statement signing. The thundering debacle of last season has only added to that clamour. But contrary to popular belief, a statement signing isn’t what Liverpool desperately need at all. What they desperately need is a statement un-signing. Or two. Or four. Have someone prop open the front door at Anfield, then stand by it repeatedly jerking their thumb back over their shoulder, the internationally standardised mime for Do One. Get another chap, cackling maniacally, to eagerly dispatch coats, hats, kitbags, suitcases and assorted trinkets belonging to Dejan Lovren, Mario Balotelli, Fabio Borini, Joe Allen and Simon Mignolet through said gaping portal and halfway down Walton Breck Road. And in one fell swoop, the entire world of football would see that Liverpool Football Club were serious about winning trophies again. Now that’s a statement.
Sadly for Liverpool fans, not a single toothbrush, flat cap or pair of y-fronts belonging to any member of the aforementioned rabble has been spotted whistling down Merseyside’s major arterial routes today. If this continues much longer, it’s a very worrying state of affairs, suggesting the club is happy to continue drifting along, as directionless as an Iago Aspas corner. But if there are no statement un-signings on the horizon, a statement signing will have to do. And on Wednesday morning the club announced the £29m capture of Hoffenheim and Brazil star Roberto Firmino, who is either a striker, a No10, a playmaker, a winger or an attacking midfielder, depending on which brazen keyboard warrior – making out they’ve watched him every week since his days at Figueirense – you’re getting your information from.
The deal is dependent on a medical, which will be held once Brazil have got themselves knocked out of the Copa América in humiliating circumstances. Firmino’s scoring record in the Bundesliga is decent – 47 goals in 151 games for Hoffenheim – and his return in internationals is also very promising. He’s scored four times in nine appearances for Brazil, although that should be five, the player having missed an open goal against Colombia the other week. That egregious hoick has become very popular on the internet among folk who like picking fault with other people, ie everyone on the internet. But any Liverpool fan yet to see it shouldn’t fret unduly. It’s not ideal, but neither is it quite as bad as everyone’s making out. It’s certainly not in the Ronnie Rosenthal class, put it that way.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Scott Murray in the MBM hot seat for England 1-1 Italy at the European U-21 Championship.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“One time we played against Flamengo and at half-time I went up to Romário to swap jerseys, but he pushed me away. I felt like, ‘What’s wrong with this guy, man?’ Now, when we were in Saudi Arabia six months later, I was walking around the hotel towards the revolving door with Mark Fish and someone else. Then I saw Romário and Ronaldo coming towards the same door from the outside. I thought, ‘Hey, this is the guy that didn’t want to give me his shirt.’ I said to Fish, ‘Just walk behind me and look.’ As they went in, we were going out. I went towards Romário and I took my shoulder, banged it against him … you know, like the rugby blokes do … and walked past him. He screamed at me and I said to him, ‘Filho da puta!’ He and Ronaldo looked at me and I said to Ronaldo, ‘You tell your friend that I was the guy that played for Corinthians six months ago and I asked to swap jerseys with him and he pushed me away. I want him to remember next time.’ Ronaldo then translated for him, ha, ha! Romário looked at me with one of those ‘up and down’ looks and then walked away. It was like a bit of revenge for me” – yup, South Africa journeyman forward Mark Williams, Romário sure got owned there.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Samson Bankole’s teaser (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Player A = Mark van Bommel. Player B = Arjen Robben. Club X = PSV. Club Y = Barcelona (B’s Big Cup win). Club Z = Real Madrid. Club W = Bayern Munich (A’s Big Cup win). Loved this. Never have 16 lads stayed late at work out of pure enjoyment. There were a few groans of disappointment when the fun came to an end. Samson, do you have any more?” – Josh Baines.
“So, $tevie Mbe thinks that, in addition to a replica of the Wembley pitch, a luxury hotel, cutting-edge training and medical facilities (including altitude chambers and, no doubt, cryogenic chambers, I expect), what St George’s Park really needs to make the difference and prepare England’s players to be world beaters is a golf course. How about an international airport too? He should be satisfied with a game of bingo led by the manager in the lounge in the evening. It was enough for Don Revie’s Dirty Leeds side and they were good enough to win the league, unlike others who claim to have the secret to developing successful sides” – David Wall.
“I will have you know that I’ve been in the Chelsea dressing room, and there are no radiators anywhere, let alone any Czech goalkeepers chained to radiators (yesterday’s Bit and Bobs). In fact, the whole dressing room area has a nice heating and ventilation system. OK, I will admit that the whole reason for this letter is to name-drop the fact that I’ve actually been in the Chelsea dressing room. You take your opportunities when you find them” – Scott Pratt.
“No discussion of footballers, or indeed people, with metallic-sounding names (yesterday’s Fiver) is complete without the inclusion of former Darlington man Chris Brass. He once scored that goal destined to be remembered for even longer than Lucy Bronze’s stellar effort” – Steve Hyde.
“Sorry to be such a pedant (no, I’m not), but Bronze and Steel are not metals, they are alloys. It is important to get these things right. Yours, with unalloyed pleasure” – Robert Darby.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Josh Baines.
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BITS AND BOBS
After consecutive summers of Arsenal cash-splashing, Arsène Wenger has returned to the simplicity of his earlier work and signed Romanian U-16 skipper and early Game of Thrones Season Six victim, Vlad Dragomir, from ACS Poli Timisoara for £71,000.
Manuel Pellegrini says he definitely does not have a problem with José Mourinho. Definitely not. Not one. “He’s not my enemy and there isn’t any conflict. I have no interest in analysing him as a person,” he parped … before doing just that. “When he wins, Mourinho wants to take credit for everything. I never do that.”
Atlético Madrid midfielder Arda Turan’s Mr 15% has entered the words “coy come and get me plea” into some online translator and come up with: “His will is to leave and to play in the Premier League. We are currently in talks with three teams [who] are the best in England and in European football.”
Meanwhile Jackson Martínez’s Mr 15% has ruled out the possibility of carving his client in two in the hope of securing double bubble, confirming the forward is to snub Meeeeelan for Atlético. “We want to thank [Meeeeelan] for their interest right up to the end, we feel very honoured by it, but you can’t be in two places at once,” he sighed ruefully.
Edinson Cavani, could miss Uruguay’s Copa América quarter-final against Chile after his father was arrested following a fatal car crash.
Back room Do One dept: Nasty Leeds sporting director Nicola Salerno has set sail on the good ship, QPR assistant manager Kevin Bond is packing his bags for a cruise on it, while the Russian FA is attempting to book Fabio Capello a last-minute berth. “The soap opera called ‘The Capello contract’ will end in the near future,” hissed RFU suit Sergey Anokhin, who probably just wants to replace it with a load of repeats.
Ángel Di María says he’s happy to stay at Manchester United as long as he’s allowed to get up off the bench. “It’s a little hard to explain why I do not play,” he seethed, taking a good hard look at Ashley Young.
The knee-knack which ruled West Brom’s Saido Berahino out of England’s U-21 squad will not be serious enough to also rule out a summer of tedious transfer rumours, with the club confirming he will be gah!-free for the start of the season.
And those glamorous Cobblers of Northampton are close to completing a takeover deal with a consortium from India. “This is exciting news for the club, its staff and the people of Northampton and it will bring significant investment into Northampton,” cheered chairman David Cardoza.
STILL WANT MORE?
Marcus Christenson runs the rule over Liverpool’s new signing Roberto Firmino and concludes that, like a successful kleptomaniac vasectomist, he is a very good ball thief.
In a piece that may or may not be a coded message to Big Website’s HR dept, Gregg Bakowski has made the case for grizzled near-middle-aged men fighting for a valid cause, rather than looking for big money moves elsewhere.
Jonathan Wilson knows so much about Uruguayan football that, should you open up his head, you’d find Héctor Scarone doing keepie uppies with Juan Alberto Schiaffino. Which is why he felt qualified to say the side have the history to hit the Copa América heights against Chile.
Here’s our pick of the best pictures from the Women’s World Cup round of 16.
Not football, but still: parenting.
And The Knowledge is taking the summer off, but not before providing this archive special on which ground is the best for guaranteed goals. Posh players and referees celebrating are also covered.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
One final shout for the latest in our Football Weekly presents … series of documentaries … The Gambler: the story of Jimmy Nielsen.
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BUTLER AND THE DEADHOUSE SESSIONS?
