Age: 22.
Appearance: Young Conservative.
Really? But his name makes him sound like a mythical character from a far-off land where dragons breathe fire and fair maidens … He's Bryan Ferry's son.
I thought Bryan Ferry's son was called Otis. Ferry has four sons: Otis, Isaac, Tara and Merlin. Otis is best known for breaking into the House of Commons to protest the fox-hunting ban, and his subsequent conviction.
What's Merlin best known for? Casting spells? Grouse shooting? Possession of a bladed article.
Come again? Having a knife on him. The Marlborough-educated undergraduate, currently studying in Barcelona, was found with a knife in his pocket by police officers who stopped him for driving without insurance last autumn.
I hope he behaved with all the decorum, humility and courtesy we've come to expect from our privately educated young men. Oh, yes: he berated officers for wasting his time, and told them to go and "investigate real crime". When they arrested him, he reportedly said: "You can just unarrest me now."
How spirited. I'll bet he was sorry afterwards, though. According to his probation officer, Ferry showed "no remorse". He also "lacked insight into the offence" and believed that knife crime was something to do "with London and people on estates".
No doubt he had some cause for regret when the case reached court. Yes. According to the judge sentencing him this week, Ferry complained about having to get up early to travel to court from his home in Shropshire.
I'm no lawyer, but young Ferry sounds – allegedly – like a bit of a cock. What did he get? A 12-month community order, 100 hours community service and a six-month driving ban.
That's it? I suppose with a first offence ... Unfortunately this is his second. He was arrested two years ago for carrying a traditional Ghurka knife but on that occasion managed to persuade the court that it was part of a fancy-dress costume.
Do say: "Knife laws apply to everyone, yah?"
Don't say: "The samurai sword? It's just part of my costume. I'm going as Bryan Ferry's son."
