Aspiring film-makers on the verge of giving up: take heart, for we now know exactly what Hollywood wants. Forget nimble storytelling or twist endings – if you really want your project to get off the ground, you need to do a good meme.
That’s what it takes. For instance, Netflix has just signed a deal to make a film starring Rihanna and Lupita Nyong’o based on a photo of them posted to Tumblr in 2014. They were sitting in the front row of a Miu Miu fashion show, and someone wrote: “They look like they’re in a heist movie with Rihanna as the tough-as-nails leader/master thief and Lupita as the genius computer hacker.” Now it’s a film. That’s all it takes. That’s literally all it takes. Well done, everyone.
Well, if this is how you get a film off the ground in 2017, I’m ready for a career pivot. Hollywood, look, I’ve cast some memes for you. To the world of film, I accept payment in the form of bank transfers, cheques and food stamps. To the world of journalism, I apologise profusely.
Donald Trump: Satan’s Day Off
For clarification, this is not a Satanic ritual. pic.twitter.com/CccP39fqN4
— The Church Of Satan (@ChurchofSatan) May 22, 2017
By far the best online response to Trump’s weird orb-touching sojourn to Saudi Arabia was the Church of Satan’s panicky “This is nothing to do with us” clarification, so let’s make a film out of that. Anthony Atamanuik does the best Trump, so let’s cast him. President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi of Egypt and King Salman of Saudi Arabia will be played by Abdalah Mishrif and F Murray Abraham respectively, and Jim Carrey will play the Church of Satan’s put-upon head of publicity who’s about to literally have the work day from hell …
Avril Lavigne: Clone Wars
avril lavigne is dead & was replaced by a look alike: a conspiracy theory thread pic.twitter.com/9eearQ2rte
— k (@givenchyass) May 13, 2017
Now that the entire internet believes that Avril Lavigne died and was replaced by a clone named Melissa in 2003, we might as well jump on that bandwagon. Avril Lavigne will play Avril Lavigne; Avril Lavigne will play Avril Lavigne’s clone; Avril Lavigne will play the plucky blogger who first discovered the conspiracy, and the soundtrack will be provided by Avril Lavigne slapping her own forehead in exasperation over and over again.
Homer Simpson Literally Just Walking Backwards Into A Hedge
"Family only, you know?"
— SimpsonsQOTD (@SimpsonsQOTD) May 21, 2017
"Right! No reporters."
"No, I, I...I mean just the Flanders family."
"Oh, okay..." pic.twitter.com/z69niJ4q0T
This beloved Gif is a clip from the Simpsons episode Homer Loves Flanders, but now it’s a meme and that’s apparently what all films are based on now, so let’s make a film of that. It would be silly not to give Dan Castellaneta some sort of financial kickback here, so let’s chuck him in a theme park Homer Simpson costume and make him walk backwards into a hedge over and over again for two hours. It’ll be like one of Warhol’s movies, but better because Warhol never invented a popular internet meme.
Sassy Duck
When you grab the McDonalds and eat a little bit out of everybody's fries then take the one you didn't touch pic.twitter.com/vHcXPQv3KW
— X (@XLNB) April 25, 2017
Salma Hayek plays Sassy Duck in this major new live-action picture. Someone stole your calculator? It was SASSY DUCK! Someone got your boyfriend drunk and kissed him? It was SASSY DUCK! Someone stole your identity and put you in debt? It was SASSY DUCK! Someone set your house on fire, killing all your pets? It was SASSY DUCK! Oh Sassy Duck, what are we going to do with you?
This is Fine: The Motion Picture
Well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #DemsInPhilly #EnoughClinton pic.twitter.com/qVywJM90Eu
— GOP (@GOP) July 25, 2016
The This Is Fine Dog is perhaps the best-known meme on the entire internet, so he definitely deserves a film. Since he’s usually unattributed, let’s get creator KC Green to make the film, and animate it himself. Box office grosses are expected to be low, since this is ultimately a film about a dog slowly burning to death in a fire, but perhaps some A-list voice talent can bump up the numbers a little. Is Ryan Gosling available?
