Meghan Markle is "still haunted" by a photo of her walking the red carpet when she was pregnant with Archie as it was taken just hours after she told Prince Harry she "didn't want to be alive any more".
While the Duchess of Sussex looked happy and relaxed as she joined her husband at a special performance of Cirque du Soleil's Totem show at the Royal Albert Hall, she explained that the reality was very different.
Speaking to Oprah Winfrey in a historical interview about her time in the royal family, Meghan said that she had suicidal thoughts.
She said that she told Harry about her feelings and he "cradled her", but they then had to get dressed up and go to the engagement.
Meghan claims that she doesn't normally look at photos, but said a friend sent her a snap from the night to tell her how great they looked.
Meghan said she zoomed in on the photo and "saw the truth" of what was really going on - saying you can see how tightly she is holding Harry's hand.
She said that they were smiling and "doing their job" but in reality they were "both just trying to hold on".
She admits that every time the lights went down during the show she was crying.
Meghan told Oprah about having suicidal thoughts and said she told Harry she "didn't want to be alive any more".
She claims she went to the Palace to say she needed help but was told that wasn't possible.
The Cirque du Soleil performance was arranged to raise funds for a charity that supports children and young people affected by HIV in southern Africa.
Meghan wore a sequined Roland Mouret dress, worth £3,400, similar to an iconic gown Diana was pictured in back in 1986.
She paid tribute to her late mother-in-law by wearing her heirloom gold bangle, which features two dark-coloured stones.
After the show Meghan and Harry met representatives of the Sentebale charity, Cirque du Soleil and members of the cast.
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- Watch the full interview on ITV at 9pm on Monday night and on ITV Hub, Courtesy of Harpo Productions/CBS'.
