The Sheatles: Lulu, Dusty, Cilla and Marianne (in a parallel universe, that is). Photograph: Tom Murray/PA
If the Beatles had been women - and with that, as famous, prolific, lauded etc etc - it would have changed the course of the world's history.
I just don't get the Fab Four. Furthermore, I fear they set the template for the archetypal rock band - skinny white boys - with little variation since. They also set the precedent for rock to be a boy's domain. No matter that Kim Deal, Courtney Love, PJ Harvey, Girlschool all came along and looked a bit strange with a big guitar, they are never ever taken seriously, not really. Not by men who like the Beatles - and that is almost All Men.
Imagine the dream team: Dusty Springfield is John Lennon. Lulu is Paul McCartney. George - surely Marianne Faithfull and "our" Cilla is Ringo. Hey - if Bobbie Gentry had visited the bloody Cavern she might have had a go and given them the country slant they always needed. They would have had songs like Ian Rigby and He Loves You; Female Lance Corporal's Lonely Heart's Club Band. The White Album could have been re-coloured red.
Rickenbacker guitars - as favoured by Lennon - are quite compact and perfectly suited for a woman of smaller frame. And picture the rivalry between the men-filled Stones and the LadyBeatles (or Sheatles)! A proper war, that one.
Perhaps, if we banned the Flamin' Four's music for a couple of years, we could all sit back (figuratively, I know some of us have things to do) and ponder. The template could be moulded into something new, cos yer rock music still excludes the female of the species - despite what any magazine article might state. Male music journalists - and they are the majority - pay lip-service to icons such as Joni Mitchell or Patti Smith but they all secretly swoon over the chiselled-featured dudes from the Strokes or the Northern pinchy guys from Arctic Monkeys. Rock is homoerotic; and it's boring.
Given enough time, such passion turns to hate (see all the band forums online, ever). Had Dusty married Yoko Ono (well you never know...), I doubt Mark Chapman would have had the manly ire to shoot la Springfield. Some people might have disapproved of the bed-in with a little more gusto, but no bad thing. And another plus-point in the Beatles chronology, there would have been no Heather Mills McCartney, either. Probably.
I once had this argument, albeit with minor variations - and drunkenly - with a member of a retro-inspired dancey/indie three piece. He was outraged at such heresy, struck by my hideous theoreticals. He almost left the pub in disgust as I warmed to my theme. And that's the problem. No one really wants to subvert the blueprint.
