A QUOTE-HEAVY STORY, BUT PEOPLE WILL INSIST ON DELIVERING SHAKESPEARIAN MONOLOGUES, SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
After Chelsea’s abject loss to Southampton a few weeks ago, José Mourinho famously responded to a single question from an inquisitor by delivering a soliloquy so lengthy and verbose it made the Duke of Gloucester from Henry VI, Part 3 sound like Lillian Gish. Seven minutes it lasted. O miserable thought! By the time of his side’s dismal capitulation to Liverpool, he’d trimmed his act down considerably, judicious editing leaving something a lot shorter yet arguably even stronger. He answered 13 questions in 54 seconds using only 57 words, and most of those were “no”. He didn’t say much. But then he didn’t have to. You knew exactly what he was driving at.
Following the simple rules of trend extrapolation, most folk expected an increasingly distressed Mourinho to fill Tuesday afternoon’s Big Cup press conference with nothing more than a series of meeps, beeps and other distressed SFX influenced by Beaker from the Muppet Show. And for a while it looked like that’s exactly what might happen, for his response to the opening question – “Have you spoken to Roman Abramovich?” – wasn’t promising. “I don’t have to answer you,” he mumbled. But just as it looked like the presser was about to descend into a chaotic cacophony of agitated parps and nervous peeps, he suddenly and surprisingly raised both his game and the tempo, shifting up a few gears into Grounded Teenager mode. Well, it’s all relative.
“This is new for me, that’s why I’m a good one,” began the downgraded Special One in deliberately slow, sulky monotone. “I’ve not experienced this before. Yesterday a friend sent me some quotes of my press conference after [Big Cup] final in May 2004. I’d completely forgotten about it. I said that, one day in my career, bad results would come, and I’ll face the bad results with all the same honesty and dignity that I’m facing now as a European champion. So, 11 years later, I resisted well. Eleven years waiting for this. It took time, but it’s come in a moment when I’m stable and strong to face it.” He was then asked if Chelsea’s current run had affected his confidence in any way. “No. You asked me yes or no. I answered no. No. You asked me yes or no, and I answered no.” Dignity, right there, a decade in the making.
It was left to Mourinho’s captain Plain Old John Terry to lighten the mood, the big man clearing his throat for a monologue of his own. “I’ve come under criticism, individually, from certain players and individuals, players I’ve looked up to and played alongside,” he began. “I’ve taken that on the chin: Rio, Carra, Neville, the very best I’ve come up against in the game. I take that on the chin. When others speak, maybe I don’t take it on the chin. When players have not had a career, played at a really bad level in their career … Robbie Savage being one. He’s dug me out a couple of times. You take it as a footballer, as an individual. I’ll take it from the Rios, Carraghers and Nevilles. All day long. From others? Nah.” Applause! Word perfect! A bravura performance! File the following under things we never thought we’d say: you have GOT to love POJT.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This is [His] long hard w@nk in the mirror” – Time Out’s review of His new documentary may struggle to get on the promo blurb.
FIVER LETTERS
“May I provide a warning to Chelsea fans who want #MourinhoOut? After Newcastle fans declared the #PardewOut campaign a ‘success’ at the start of 2015, Crystal Palace (managed by Alan Pardew) have totalled 47 points from 29 matches. Newcastle (managed by a couple of guys not named Alan Pardew) have collected 19 points from 29 matches. Chelsea fans should heed the warning: be careful what you wish for” – JJ Zucal.
“In yesterday’s Fiver, beneath the image accompanying the ‘10 things’ blurb, is printed the equation ‘1 + 1 x 5’. Now, I suppose the intent is to arrive at the number 10, but 1 + 1 x 5, following mathematical rules of precedence, only gets you to six. Possibly you’ve attended the Pellegrini School of Mathematics?” – Anthony Stevens (and (1 +1) x 533 others).
“Let me be one of 1,057 Google Translate pedants to point out that the translation of ‘Il sera déçu par ce que’ actually translates to ‘He will be disappointed by what’. Fortunately however, my pedantry led me to stumble upon this” – Gavin Simmonds (and one other Google Translate pedant).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
28 September: Serie A new boys Carpi sack Fabrizio Castori. 29 September: Serie A new boys Carpi appoint Giuseppe Sannino. 3 November: Serie A new boys Carpi sack Giuseppe Sannino and appoint Fabrizio Castori.
Fifa World Cup Miserable Farce part XXXVII: German police have raided the DFB headquarters on suspicion of tax evasion over the 2006 World Cup.
Jordon Ibe says Jürgen Klopp has given the team a new never-say-die attitude. “It was one of the most important things the new manager has said – we need to be a team who can be 2-0 down and know there is still time for us to get a goal,” Ibe cheered, somewhat pessimistically.
Manchester City fans were reportedly attacked in Seville on Monday night before their team’s Big Cup tie against Sevilla.
And League One Swindon have appointed former player Martin Ling as manager. “It’s a little bit surreal but it’s really pleasing to back at a place I know so well,” he purred.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires. Nasty Leeds. Lovely.
Troy Story, Troy of the Rovers, Troy Cropper … yes, it’s Troy Deeney’s turn to get the Photoshop treatment in this week’s Gallery.
How is Rémi Garde going to get on at Aston Villa? Paul Doyle gives you the skinny. #WelcomeRemy.
GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSSS of the week.
Barney Ronay on José Mourinho, because you’ve not had enough of that subject in today’s Fiver.
Will Jamie Vardy win the Golden Boot? Computer says … maybe.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
If you missed it on Monday, here’s the latest edition of Football Weekly. And tickets are still available for AC Jimbo and co’s upcoming live show in Birmingham, and also now on sale for a ‘date’ in London.
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