✒Even at a time of strenuous cost-cutting, it is reassuring to know that the BBC still has the funds for a little interior decoration. The latest innovation in the multimedia newsroom at TV Centre in west London is the introduction of two brand new lavishly-upholstered "huddle zones". Journos have been having fun - if that's the right word - guessing how much the high-backed sofas, coffee tables and designer lamps cost, and how many series it would have paid for on BBC3.
✒Former Footballers' Wives star turned Strictly Come Dancing contestant Laila Rouass has found herself firmly in the media spotlight after the News of the World revealed that her dance partner Anton Du Beke said she looked like a "Paki". But at least Rouass has had some insight into the way tabloids work. She used to step out with Rav Singh, former showbiz editor on... the News of the World.
✒Hacks on the Times and Sunday Times could be forgiven for thinking they would qualify for free membership of the irresistiblenew members' club being launched by News International. For £50 a month, Times+ members qualify for money off holidays, complimentary bottles of champagne and a free Sky+ HD box. Quick, sign Monkey up now! Imagine the journos' disappointment to discover their special privileges extended to half-price membership for three months only.
✒Monkey's intro of the week: "The word b------s is still offensive, the High Court ruled yesterday." If that doesn't get you reading on, nothing will! Such are the perils of the Daily Telegraph's house style when it comes to swear words. In fact, style tsar Simon Heffer's ruling is to not even use the first letter of a swear word, although that would have made the story entirely nonsensical, rather than just slightly. Readers who persevered with it were eventually given a clue with a reference to the Sex Pistols' album, "Never Mind the B------s". It's all bollocks to Monkey.
✒The hot ticket at the Tory party conference in Manchester – well, one of them at least – was the News International knees-up, which was packed to the rafters. News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks said it was a whole lot busier than their Labour party bash the week before. "Just me and the editors," she said. Can't think why.
✒Shadow culture secretary Jeremy Hunt's appeal for more Conservatives to be employed by BBC News could be about to be granted – except in reverse. Clarence Mitchell, the former BBC journalist turned spokesman for Kate and Gerry McCann, is planning to stand as a Tory MP in the next general election. Mitchell, who quit the corporation to head up the media monitoring unit at the government's Central Office of Information, will face a selection board early next month. He already knows the party's director of communications, Andy Coulson, rather well – from Coulson's time as editor of the News of the World.
✒The BBC is to crack down on strong language after 9pm in new guidelines announced last week, but what about before 9am? Monkey only mentions this after an unfortunate drop in standards on the Today programme. A week after a "balls-up" made it to air on the BBC Radio 4 programme, there was an on-air "arsehole" on Monday last week. Three of them. "Hitler commonly referred to [Neville Chamberlain] as an arsehole," reported Professor Christopher Andrew. "His main foreign opponent thinks he's an arsehole ... this was the first time to his knowledge that he had ever been called an arsehole." Alright, Prof, we get the point! John Humphrys felt compelled to qualify the balls-up – "that's a technical expression", he added – but Sarah Montague let the arseholes pass.
✒"There were so many people you just had to meet without your clothes," sang Leonard Cohen. And there are only so many people the Daily Telegraph's Celia Walden has to interview in her bikini. The paper devoted nearly half a page to a picture of Walden – in bikini and shades – next to Ozzy Osbourne in the singer's swimming pool. No word yet on whether this policy is going to be extended to all interviews across the paper.
✒The mystery sound you may have heard last week was thousands of Daily Star readers scratching their heads. "This paper costs just 20p," boasted the paper's front page. Bargain! Helpfully illustrated by a picture of a 20p piece accompanied by a wholly unnecessary 5p coin. Arithmetic – never the Star's strong point.
✒So what does the "Mip" in Mipcom stand for, comic Joan Rivers wondered at a lavish bash to promote her MTV special at the TV fair in Cannes last week. "Many Inexpensive Prostitutes" was her first guess. "Men In Panties" was her second. "Many Idiot Producers" her third, which got the biggest laugh of the night. Monkey doesn't know what she's talking about.
