MAKE IT STOP
Eight years ago, with the weight of its reader behind it, The Fiver set out on a mission to Stop Football. It was a selfless act intended to give us more beer garden time at The Failure and Acceptance during summer months, instead of having to knock out biting satire on the big stories of the day, such as Chelsea having a firm interest in Yuri Zhirkov and the effectiveness of $tevie Mbe’s forehead. It was The Fiver’s view that, at the very least, June and July should be reserved for sports like boules, Twister and chasing Weird Uncle Fiver out of special bookshops. And what a roaring success it was because here we are on the 16 June with nothing remotely football-related to get in our … oh!
So the Euro U-21 Championship kicks off this weekend – and the Confederations Cup too! Ah well, who were we kidding? Let’s file Stop Football next to Strong and Stable. So, non-stop football then: first up is the Under-21s’ shindig, a tournament that gives young players whose hopes and dreams haven’t yet been entirely crushed the chance to show they’re good enough to sit on the bench at a top-flight club instead of playing every week on loan at Vitesse Arnhem. Excited? You should be. Who wouldn’t want to watch Adrian “Aidy” Boothroyd screaming “hit the channel!” at the best young talent England has to offer?
In fairness, England have some half-decent players. They also have a fair dollop of expectation to live up to thanks to those pesky U-20s flaunting the World Cup all over the place last week. They’ve been pretty hopeless at this tournament in recent years, mind, winning just one game in nine. So they’re due a win or two. And apparently they’ve built up a fantastic team spirit around a shared appreciation of softcore-bongo on Nathan Redmond’s computer. “I managed to get [Love Island] on the laptop so a few of the boys were round watching it,” phwooared Redmond. “It’s another thing which keeps everyone together. We have games rooms and a lot of stuff to keep us occupied. A lot of the boys appreciate the downtime and chilling out. When you’ve got time to take your mind off football, you take it.” If only, Nathan.
Which takes us more neatly than we expected to the other annoyance kicking off this weekend, the Confederations Cup, a tournament which is a string of meaningless friendlies masquerading as competitive competition and made to look like it matters because it’s on the telly. It’s a test event for the Ethics World Cup, where some of the best nations in the world and Russia will see whether football can take place in Vladimir Putin’s back yard without fans acting like whoppers, suits bribing one another or bits of the stadiums falling off. It’s the kind of thing The Fiver wouldn’t dream of watching. And in any case Weird Uncle Fiver’s just disappeared into another special bookshop. Oy! Come back!
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Gregg Bakowski from 5pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Sweden U-21s 0-0 England U-21s.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Barcelona has been kidnapped. It’s hostage to the intoxication, manipulation and lies [of this board] and it’s sad. I’m demanding they resign” – former Barcelona president Joan Laporta sits down for a chinwag with Sid Lowe.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s only bonus Football Weekly action, right here.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“I have long been a supporter of your (Quixote-esque? Sisyphean?) campaign to Stop Football. These boys might just have nailed it though. Go Tillies!” – Colm Gilmore.
“For the Saints board, yesterday’s Fiver tells us, the highlight of the season was ‘a memorable day at Wembley in the [Milk] Cup final, a day our fans will always treasure’. We got beaten by Manchester United, a team with the most ridiculously expensive player in Europe, the second-most swollen-headed striker in Europe and a coach even further over the hill than Claude Puel. Hardly something to cherish. More like an ongoing nightmare, I would have said” – Geoffrey Vine.
“May I be one of 1,057 etc who write in to say Peter Derek was robbed in yesterday’s letter-of-the-day thingy” – Tom Chivers (and 1,056 others).
“In response to Peter Derek’s letter” – Dan Hodge.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dan Hodge.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope. And it’s still a much better option than this.
BITS AND BOBS
Assorted reports claim He’s got a sulk on and wants out of Real Madrid.
Assorted reports claim Antonio Conte’s not got a sulk on and wants to stay at Chelsea.
Happy summer season!
A former Swiss banker has admitted paying millions of dollars in bribes to Julio Grondona, a former senior Fifa executive, chairman of football’s world governing body’s finance committee and president of the Argentinian FA.
Everton’s bid to retain seventh place is taking shape after shelling out £54m on Jordan Pickford and Ajax’s Davy Klaassen.
The Rumbelows Cup first-round draw’s big jaunt to Bangkok went swimmingly after on-screen graphics displayed Charlton playing twice and Forest Green getting the wrong opponent. Bring back Trump and Greavsie.
And Sunderland have failed to persuade Aberdeen boss Derek McInnes to leave for the Stadium of Light. “I have ambitions in the game,” he tooted.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
You’ll do well to find a more comprehensive review of La Liga than The Sids!
The Joy of Six: Confederations Cup moments. By Nick Ames.
Jimmy Bullard on management and kicking on from Leatherhead.
Will Hope Solo ever return to the game? Here’s Beau Dure.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
