THE MARK OF KANE
The Fiver didn’t get much sleep last night. It might have been because the neighbours were blasting blasted 1980s pop tunes in an ironic fashion; or it might have been because of the two litres of tar-black coffee; but more than likely it was because of the butterflies fluttering and spluttering around its stomach. You see, The Fiver was excited, excited like a Fifa official with a brown envelope in their hands. Well, maybe not that excited, but pretty excited.
Your interest is piqued, isn’t it? You know The Fiver to be a downbeat, downtrodden, downward-looking beast, one who is known more for being mired in morosity than leaden-down with happiness. So you want to know why. And The Fiver will tell you. Right after it puts in some long rambling sentences that are utterly pointless and go nowhere but take up some time and space and make The Fiver look denser – not like that – than it is, like the one you have just read, or the ones you are about to read. The year was 19-ought-six. The president is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt and all over America people were doing a dance called the Funky Grampa.
OK, OK. That’s enough. Let’s get back to the source of the happiness. It was simple really: The Fiver had nothing to write about. Not one single thing. Nothing. Nada. Niente. Niks. A day off before the Women’s World Cup last 16? Bah. England getting done at a tournament by superior opposition? Puh. One match at the Copa América and there was only one red card? Do us a favour. So then, was this it? Had the day come? Should The Fiver get the six cans of Tin it had been saving for this very occasion? Eh, no. Thanks Harry Kane. Thanks a lot. Thanks for coming along and opening up your trap and ruining The Fiver’s big day. You’re just like the time someone handed The Fiver a delicious looking doughnut only for The Fiver’s chompers to bite in and discover mayonnaise, the vilest of all the condiments. Thanks, but no thanks, Harry Kane.
Coincidentally, that is exactly what Harry has been saying to Manchester United. “I’ve seen there’s interest but that’s all I know,” he yakkety-yakked. “It’s flattering for other clubs to maybe be interested but I’m happy at Spurs and I’m looking forward to the future … Tottenham are a big club and that’s the way people have got to see it. I’m at a big club now, I’m enjoying my football and I’m looking forward to next season.” Having read those words, The Fiver’s heart melted and those feelings of rage were transformed to sympathy, sympathy for the Red Devils. This is how low they have fallen, even a Spurs player won’t contemplate joining them. That’s bad. Very bad. Almost as bad as those 80s numbers or that doughnut. That damn doughnut.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Cut Warner and he probably bleeds brown envelopes, just waiting to be stuffed with US dollars. Maybe he sleeps with one stiff arm thrust upwards with palm exposed and on his lips the catchphrase: ‘What can you do for me?’” – Lasana Liburd gets stuck in to Jack Warner in this long read.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: the Cosmos Redshift 7 galaxy being named after Him (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). So, when astronomers find a new star that is not quite so hot, rotates anti-clockwise about its central axis, and which loses considerable luminosity as smaller objects pass directly in front of it, will they name it Cosmos Redshift 8, inspired by $tevie Mbe?” – Phil West.
“Re: Owen Keating and the apropos battle (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I’d say he’s actually bagged the perfect hat-trick: a) used The Fiver as legitimate (?) reference material to back up his position in his battle with The Man; b) been forced to unsubscribe from The Fiver, and therefore won’t have his inbox assaulted by such drivel any longer; c) had his letter published in The Fiver. Too bad he’s had to unsubscribe, and therefore won’t know that’s he’s won the metaphorical ‘match ball’. Good work” – Andy Milner.
“Owen Keatings fears he won the apropos battle but lost the war with a forced unsubscription. I can’t help but feel that he has that the wrong way round” – Scott Crawford.
“Re: cool names (Fiver letters passim. I’m catching up, OK? I’ve been busy. Get off my back). I can thoroughly recommend pretentious parents for weirdly spelled first names. More importantly, thank you for validating the decision my husband and I made not to double barrel with ‘Rogers’ first. Could have made for some very unsavoury comments” – Alys Barber-Rogers.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Phil West.
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BITS AND BOBS
West Ham have had a smashing new kit designed for them, which they can afford given that they’re only paying £15m of the £272m it will cost to convert their new home the Olympic Stadium for football needs. The total cost of the stadium will now be a beefy £701m, the small matter of £421m over the original estimate.
You give me the sweet Tabanou … Swansea City have signed Franck for £3.5m from St Etienne, so you’ve got about two months before the season starts to convince people you’ve heard of him and develop some opinions. “I wanted to come to Swansea because I believe we are the perfect match,” he purred. “I was also touched by the fact that [Garry Monk] said I was a top signing.”
Sepp Blatter has backed a proposal stating Fifa’s senior officials should pass integrity checks. “Better late than never,” he parped.
Roy Keane has been found not guilty of “aggressively confronting” a taxi driver, would you believe, after the judge ruled the evidence against him was “riddled with inconsistencies and improbabilities”. Something that, as O’Ireland assistant manager, he will know all about.
Karl Oyston seems like a nice man. The FA has released documents that show him calling a Blackpool fan an “intellectual cripple” whose messages were “retarded” and who should enjoy his “special needs day out.”
Everton have doled out a one-year contract extension to Phil Jagielka. “It wasn’t the longest negotiations ever – it only took a couple of minutes rather than hours,” trilled the defender, whose Mr 15% should hang their head in shame.
The Queen’s Celtic will begin their titanic tussle for the Scottish Premiership with a devilishly tricky home game against Ross County, befor … oh, does it really make the slightest difference?
And Dundee United have snapped up Queen of the South defender Mark Durnan on a three-year deal. “There is no better place to enhance your development than at Dundee United,” he whooped.
STILL WANT MORE?
In this Golden Goal, Alan Smith (not that one, or that one) reckons Dennis Bergkamp’s trick as he scored that goal against Newcastle was the most memorable in Premier League history. Big talk. BIG talk.
Dr Barney Ronay says once Raheem Sterling is off the old gas and air a move to Manchester City can be the birth of something delightful in his career.
Nick Ames has been peering into the in-trays of the Premier League’s new managers, and this is what he saw.
Karen Bardsley has been the one constant of Mark Sampson’s England side. Louise Taylor talks to her about keeping, the Women’s World Cup and making saves with her beak.
This video meanwhile, with members of the Norway team, is well worth a watch.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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