Revelations about Neil Ferguson’s private life, on which the dust has now settled, did raise the question of why there are certain words that are only ever used in newspapers. were commonly referred to as “trysts”, yet when did you last hear anyone use that word in everyday conversation? Thought as much. I’m only sorry that “love nest” didn’t seem to get a mention and that there wasn’t a “gal pal” only too eager to spill the beans. I feel a scandal is only a good one when there is one of these blabbermouths in the offing.
Another phrase that is beloved by both newspapers and politicians is “road map”. When he wasn’t talking about baby steps (ickle wickle things) in his last televised address to the nation, Boris Johnson was citing his bumper book of routes out of this crisis. His roads all seemed to feature mountains, though whether we’re going up one or coming down the other side was a little opaque. Perhaps if he used Ordnance Survey maps, the “path” (another favourite) would be a little clearer. In future, I think “guidance” would be the mot juste.
We also read much about the possibility of cashless societies at the moment. For the cashiers in my supermarket it seemingly can’t come soon enough as they look at me with ill-disguised disdain when I proffer notes for my groceries. One such report included the following: “Personalisation will take the user experience of payment solutions to the next level, with artificial intelligence and big data the key drivers... making it possible to build a unique user journey for each consumer.” I think you’ll agree that that is pretty ripe tosh, and convinces me that I’m really quite happy to pay in tenners for the time being.
•Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist
