Why do we seem to be a nation so happy to hide behind euphemism? What happened to those good old days of straight talking, with not a bush in sight to be beaten around? When we happily called a spade a spade? Where once we used the term “secondhand”, it now seems obligatory to say “previously owned” or, even worse, “pre-loved”. And what of the “hire purchase” of yore? No such thing any more – it’s now “rent to own”.
Nowhere is this evasion more plain and irksome than with problems. Remember them – straightforward, often boring, sometimes painful, often inconvenient – but problems nonetheless. But not now. They are “issues”. When it rains cats and dogs, we now have “surface water issues” (thanks to Channel 5 for that – I’ll be sure to break out my wellies). Kanye West, whose ludicrous outburst about slavery was rightly derided, is said to have “brain chemistry issues” by Roots star LeVar Burton. In the world of sportswear, the “Nike brand hasn’t suffered despite coverage of culture issues”.
Transport in all its forms is not immune: “More than 600 heavy vehicle certifications revoked amid towbar issues”, while pity poor old Elon Musk: “Model 3 production issues are burning through Tesla’s cash.” It could be that his boasts about the number of cars that he promised to produce were simply pie in the sky, back-of-a-fag-packet marketing speak, or maybe he hadn’t factored in “production line issues”, ie not enough workers to fulfil his boasts. I don’t think any of us need to shed too many tears over that particular beleaguered billionaire, though.
In other matters, were you thinking of buying a new mixer for your kitchen? Well, may I suggest that you look no further than John Lewis. You can’t ignore its “iconic” essential: “KitchenAid considers its ‘Artisan’ food mixers as a creative extension of the cook’s hands, providing optimal control at a professional level that matches handmade results.”
Some uncharitable souls would claim this to be grade A tosh and I would be one of them. How many problems do I have with this? Well, where to start...
• Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist
