Even the most ardent republican would need a heart of stone not to find comedic value in the royal family. From It’s a Royal Knockout to “air miles” Andy and his somewhat questionable friends, the institution is ripe for mirth.
And last week, none more so than the Duchess of Cambridge, whose garden at the Chelsea Flower Show, Back to Nature, was, according to her co-designers, inspired by “forest bathing”. What, skinny-dipping in Sherwood? Aquarobics in Arden? What glorious visions, but no. Apparently, it’s the Japanese practice of walking slowly and thoughtfully through a wood.
I think that’s what real people call going for a walk. But just as the rich are different, so is the royal family, and I think I know full well where the blame lies. Sorry, Charles, but I am looking at you.
I also noticed that Tom Dixon, designer of the Ikea garden, favours growing things in stacked “crates” and refers to “hyper natural edibles”. These could just be vegetables.
Talking of foodstuffs, I normally deplore most neologisms, born as they are from social media, but I heartily endorsed “milkshaking”, after the visitation on Tommy Robinson and, last week, Nigel Farage being on the receiving end of a banana and salted caramel confection. Oh, the look of pouty petulance on his face.
Meanwhile, according to Farage, Remainers “do not hide their contempt for the demos - the people - and imagine that they can stop the march of a mass movement with a milkshake”. Gee, thanks, Nige, for reminding us what “demos” means. Was scratching my head for a while.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must pump up my water wings and go for a paddle in the Selborne hangers.
• Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist
