I make no apologies for returning to the dizzying world of the City and high finance. Consider the following: “Our differentiated, customer- focused business model continues to deliver with our multi brand, multi channel approach, cost leadership, low risk positioning, investment capacity and execution capabilities positioning us well for sustainable success in a digital world.”
So sayeth António Horta- Osório, Lloyds Banking Group chief executive, announcing the bank’s half-year results. Seeing as he trousers £6.4m a year, we must bow before his expertise and assume that he knows of which he speaks. Some uncharitable souls would refer him to the Plain English Campaign, but not me: such jargon-saturated declamations lighten my day.
Not to be outdone, Goldman Sachs announced that it is offering to ship working mothers’ breast milk around the world, through the good offices of its “Human Capital Development division” (I think that’s “personnel” to you and me). Announcing the service, Laura Young, its “global head of wellness”, said: “We continuously look to provide our people with programmes and services to support them in navigating day-to-day issues while empowering them with the tools to be successful at home and at work.”
Meanwhile, a study by Swedish psychologists, published in the journal Plos One, found that people who are more receptive to “pseudo-profound” (bullshit) utterances are less charitable, have more supernatural beliefs and are more likely to believe in conspiracy theories.
Whether they will lap up the pronouncements of Horta-Osório and Young, I don’t know, but I have my suspicions.
• Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist
