Dear Coleen, o ne of my best female friends is married to my boss. I knew him first, as we started working together at a big company around the same time six years ago, and then he introduced me to his wife at a party and we became firm friends.
For a few months I’d known he’d been seeing another woman at work. It had been kind of an open secret in the office and the source of much gossiping.
I found it stressful keeping it from his wife, so I ended up confronting him and explaining I felt in a very uncomfortable position knowing this was going on.
He said he understood, he’d been an idiot and was going to “sort it out”.
I hoped that would be the end of it and I could stop feeling so guilty.
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
He did break up with this woman a couple of weeks after our conversation, but his wife found out about it nonetheless and someone also told her the entire office knew about it.
She went crazy at me and told me our friendship was over since I wasn’t honest with her, and she also kicked him out.
Now I feel awful for not saying anything, but I thought I was doing the right thing by speaking to him first. He’s now irritable and miserable all the time at work and I’ve lost a good friend. Any advice?
Coleen says
I think you tried to do the right thing by speaking to him first. It was a really tough call – you have a professional and a personal relationship with him and a close friendship with his wife, too.
But you did talk to him, hoping he would then focus on his marriage and sort things out with his wife one way or the other. I guess you didn’t bargain on her finding out first from someone else!
I understand why your friend feels hurt that you didn’t tell her about the affair – her wounds are still raw and she feels angry and humiliated – but perhaps when the dust has settled and she’s had a chance to properly consider your position in all this, she’ll be more understanding.
You could write her a nice letter, explaining that you confronted her hubby, believing he should be the one to take responsibility for his marriage and also that being close to both of them meant you felt in a very difficult position.
Yes, it might mean the end of your friendship with his wife – she might want to walk away from everyone involved and make a fresh start. But don’t blame yourself for this mess – it’s on him!
