TF5
The Fiver once tried to reinvent itself. A few years ago, the pathos of writing cheap gags and reheated riffs got a little bit too much for this tea-timely email. Standards fell to a depth The Man never thought possible. A rebrand was suggested: Elevenses. Out with Tin, in with Tea, a feelgood, Battenberg-coloured email celebrating all that was good with the world of association football, created to brighten the mid-morning of Big Website readers the world over. But Elevenses never made it past beta mode, partly because people are especially resistant to change.
Just ask Nicky B, who after signing for Nottingham Forest last month announced, via hashtags, that #thelordisdead and that #TheReboot IsOn, before continuing to do exactly what he has been doing for the last few years: a whole load of nothing on the field, and some meme-tastic social media activity, namely dabbing with his son and messing around in his grundies. If the rebrand has failed to work, perhaps The Reboot will start in Tuesday’s Worthington’s Cup third round, against the club that helped create The Lord, Arsenal. Mary Shelley, eat your heart out. “I will celebrate if I score but I won’t go crazy,” he charmed. “I have a lot of love and respect for Arsenal as a club.”
Other ties include Leicester City v Chelsea, the London club’s first trip to the Premier League champions since a night of “betrayal” last December that resulted in “palpable discord” and José Mourinho being pointed towards a blue door marked ‘Do One.’ Everton, who are DEFINITELY NOT THIS SEASON’S LEICESTER CITY, host Norwich. Nasty Leeds entertain Blackeye Rovers and may or may not entertain their fans, while Liverpool will look to continue this season’s tradition of following an excellent victory (see also Barcelona/Mainz, Arsenal/Burnley) with a humbling defeat, this time at Derby. Roll up! Roll up! Whether you’re a fan of a rebrand, TheReboot, or some good old-fashioned schadenfreude, there’s plenty to go around.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Someone with my character is a borderline kamikaze pilot” – Joey Barton talks to Donald McRae about the characteristically turbulent start to his spell at the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers, not shying away from conflict (no, really), football’s lack of morality and much more besides. Barton, meanwhile, is under investigation for allegedly breaking football betting rules by placing a substantial bet on the Queen’s Celtic to lose by three goals or more in Barcelona.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: AIK bringing out the club’s oldest members as mascots to come on the pitch and raise awareness about their difficulty moving around (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Perhaps Wayne Rooney’s place in the Manchester United team is part of the same initiative?” – Paul Fowler.
“I enjoyed the footage of $tevie Mbe and an unidentified fan taking on a load of kids (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). I particularly liked the fact that it took Mbe a whole six seconds before launching it long, over almost everyone’s heads. Old habits, and all that” – Matt Dony.
“The great Bandini writes Inter’s Big Vase defeat at home to Hapoel Be’er Sheva is their most embarrassing result since 1987 but … hold on a minute. In 1997 Inter lost the final, at home, on penalties, only scored one penalty in the whole shootout, and had Mr Roy. Having said that, Hapoel did lose to the Queen’s Celtic a few weeks ago, so fair enough” – Noble Francis.
“I’m hosting the pub quiz at the Prince of Wales in Highgate tomorrow night and there are three mentions of football in it surrounded by some tired cliches and cheap gags. The Fiver has always been a strong influence” – Darrien Bold.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Paul Fowler.
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BITS AND BOBS
Yaya Touré’s got the funk on at Manchester City. Fancy that. Still, Pep Guardiola isn’t having any of it, saying the midfielder won’t play until his Mr 15% apologises for comments made about his client’s omission from their Big Cup squad. “If he has a problem call the club and they can talk. Until he speaks, Yaya is not going to play,” parped Pep.
Stoke chairman Peter Coates insists Ailsa from Home and Away has his backing but also stressed that things must start improving quickly. “He’s our manager and he’s got our support. We’ve played five games,” cooed Coates. “We’ve had results we haven’t liked and it has been a poor start to the season. We need to start winning matches, the sooner the better.”
Mauricio Pochettino is refusing to put a timeframe on Harry Kane’s recovery from ankle-ligament-gah, though it looks like being about eight weeks. “I am not a doctor. I can only explain what the doctors said to me,” tooted the Spurs boss. “He is in a very good mood. We chatted before in the restaurant, he’s in a very good way.”
Barcelona coach Luis Enrique wants people to respect Neymar’s showboating a bit more. “Perhaps it’s better to criticise things that are against the rules as there is nothing saying you cannot do spectacular tricks,” he trilled.
And German club SV Wilhelmshaven have won a longstanding court battle against Fifa’s relegation order over the transfer of a player. “We won. David beats against Goliath,” cheered the club.
STILL WANT MORE?
Remember when Newcastle were an exciting team and not just a walking advert for self-destruction and mismanagement (well, not quite)? David Squires does, and his cartoon this week marks the (almost) 20th anniversary of their famous 5-0 shellacking of Manchester United.
Nottingham Forest face Arsenal on Tuesday for the first time this millennium. But a club that does its fair share of harking back have reasons to be optimistic about the future, thanks to a shiny youth policy. Daniel Taylor reports. On Forest, that is.
It’s not going to plan so far for José Mourinho at Manchester United. Paul MacInnes on the growing scrutiny on the manager after three straight losses.
Even Northampton Town are ready to riff on José’s pain. Nick Ames went along to meet their left-back, David Buchanan.
Valencia’s woes haven’t gone away just because Gary Neville has. Our man in Spain Sid Lowe picks over the bones of their joint worst start to a season.
We’ve a special live edition of The Knowledge on Wednesday, starting at 10.30am BST. Be there or be … oh.
Five of the best Premier League goals from last weekend, via @Copa90 pic.twitter.com/DknnDymvJk
— Guardian sport (@guardian_sport) September 20, 2016
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