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The Guardian - US
The Guardian - US
Guardian staff

Martin Short on Trump VP pick: ‘What a choice he has in his tiny little hands’

Martin Short on Donald Trump calling for a drug test before the first presidential debate: “Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a urine sample from men who are close to 80?”
Martin Short on Donald Trump calling for a drug test before the first presidential debate: ‘Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a urine sample from men who are close to 80?’ Photograph: YouTube

With several late-night hosts on summer holiday, guest hosts Martin Short and Michael Kosta talked Donald Trump’s potential running mates and his desperate bid to claim that Joe Biden will use drugs for the debate.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Jimmy Kimmel began his summer holiday on Monday evening, with Martin Short taking over as guest host of his show for the week. “Jimmy isn’t here, but was he ever really? There was always something missing behind his eyes,” the comedian joked to cheers.

“But Jimmy needs a break – if there’s anyone who deserves the summer off after working hard all year, it’s talkshow hosts and teachers, in that order,” he added.

Still, the Canadian actor endeavored to imitate his host – “Guillermo, what would Jimmy usually do right now?” he asked Kimmel’s long-running sidekick, Guillermo Rodriguez, to which Rodriguez confidently replied: “He would be talking about Donald Trump!”

“I guess you can’t go to Outback Steakhouse without ordering the Bloomin’ Onion,” said Short, who dove right into a political monologue. Trump has said he is close to naming his running mate, having narrowed down the field to three people. “It was four, but OJ died,” Short quipped.

“What a choice Trump has in his tiny little hands,” he continued. The first pick is Doug Burgum, governor of North Dakota, who “sounds like the name of your most annoying co-worker”.

Then there’s Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, who once called Trump a con artist. “Or should we go to doormat No 3, Ohio senator JD Vance, who said he thought Trump was either a cynical asshole like Nixon or America’s Hitler,” Short said. “When have you ever said something like that about somebody and then changed your mind?”

Trump said he knows his pick, but won’t announce it yet. “Gosh, it’s fun to have a secret, isn’t it?” Short mused. “I’m only here because Jimmy Kimmel knows one of mine, involving a hitchhiker on the 101 in 1982.”

In other Trump news, Short continued, the former president was “trying to manage expectations” for his upcoming debate against Joe Biden by “claiming that Joe Biden is on drugs”.

In a speech in Philadelphia over the weekend, Trump fumed and said he wanted them both to submit to a drug test before the debate. “Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a urine sample from men who are close to 80?” Short said. “I’m 74 and the only time I don’t have to pee is when I’m peeing.”

And with that, Short segued to his friend and Only Murders in the Building co-star Steve Martin, who joined for the rest of the monologue.

The Daily Show

“Right now, Trump is saying Biden is a worthy debater,” said guest host Michael Kosta on The Daily Show. “But don’t forget – for the past three and a half years, he’s been saying Biden is a demented moron with the brain power of a Love Island contestant.

“So, how are Republicans going to explain it if a guy they say has jello for brains really does beat Trump?” he wondered. “Well don’t worry: they have a plan.”

That would be claiming that Biden will be “jacked up” on drugs during the debate, from caffeine to Adderall or even cocaine. “Is conservative media now just wildly speculating that the president is on drugs?” said Kosta after a montage of clips in which Fox News personalities debated which substances Biden was possibly using. “At this point, Fox News is basically my friends’ group chat about Justin Timberlake,” Kosta joked.

“The Republican talking point is that if Biden does well, it’s because he’s taking performance-enhancing drugs, which is just such a stupid conspiracy theory,” he continued. “Because first off, if Biden’s body could handle even half of what they’re saying, he’s the strongest man alive. He’ll win the presidency and the Kentucky Derby.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s “entire brain is just squiggly red spellcheck lines”, Kosta concluded, “and then his mouth always tries to ‘refuttal’ every thought he has”.

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