Name: Mark Simmonds.
Age: 50.
Appearance: For a Tory MP, quite normal.
I think I know the one – Foreign Office minister, isn't he? He was. He's resigned.
Like Baroness Warsi! Over the government's policy for Gaza! What a secretly principled bunch they are! Quite stirring, really. Not so fast, son, not so fast.
Oh God. Why do I do it to myself? Why do I still let hope in? Go on, then – why's he stepping down? Sex scandal? Financial scandal? Illegal immigrant staffing scandal? He can't manage on the money.
I'm sorry, what? The money. The £89,435 ministerial salary he receives. And Mrs Simmonds' estimated wage of up to £25,000 as his office manager. And the £50,000 pa he received until two years ago as strategic adviser to a private healthcare company.
You had me at £89,435. There's also the approximately £28,000 he was entitled to in rental expenses. He says this is not enough to rent a Westminster flat large enough for his wife and three children, and the effect on family life of travelling between London hotels and his Lincolnshire constituency home has become "intolerable".
Could he not supplement it with some of the nearly £180,000 in aforementioned income he's been raking in over the years? Or maybe the £537,000 profit he made in 2009 selling the Putney home that taxpayers had been paying the mortgage interest on (under the old rules) for eight years? Apparently not.
There's just a large buzzing in my ears now. I understand. Take all the time you need.
Buzzing. Just a buzzing. Wait – you said he can't rent a Westminster flat on the money? Yes.
But … but … what about just a London one? Wait, I'll just pull up primelocation.com … yes, look. Three-bedroom flats up the wazoo across the river. How would he get there?
By walking for a few minutes longer. For free. With his legs. Across a bridge. Or he could have a tiny commute from an entire house in zone 2 or 3. He could buy Catford and turn it into one giant mansion and grounds. And travel in by train? You're clearly a communist. I bid you an outraged good day, sir, an outraged good day.
Do say: "This is a travelcard. Use it."
Don't say: "My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight."
